Parental Alienation 110

How One Parent Can Turn a Child Against the Other Parent

Parental alienation – a hot topic in family law and in the media – is the systematic alienation of a child from one parent, purposely caused by the other parent. The words and actions of one parent in effect poison the child against the other parent. Because of the special position of trust that a parent is in, this manipulation can unfortunately occur quite easily.

More and more, courts are being called on to review custody and visitation arrangements based on claims of parental alienation. Parents ask the court to consider the circumstances and modify the custody arrangement. In some states, it is unusual for primary physical custody to be modified based on interference with custody or visitation alone. Unusual, but not impossible (especially when programmed parental alienation can be proved). In other states, judges won’t hesitate to modify a custody order if he or she finds a custodial parent alienating the child from the non-custodial parent.

Some courts will enforce visitation primarily through contempt orders (and sometimes incarceration following a finding of contempt). In some cases though, the interference with the non-custodial parent’s relationship with the child is so severe that the court considers it to be a material change in circumstances to support a modification of custody. The court will generally have to find an adverse effect on the child and determine that the altered custody order was in the best interests of the child.

State statutes often outline the factors to be considered when determining the best interests of the child. Many times, in parental alienation cases, the court will find that the manipulation of the child has caused unhealthy emotional ties to the custodial parent.

If you are experiencing problems with custodial interference or parental alienation, you should discuss your legal options with an local family law attorney.

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Discussion

  • http://myfamilylaw.com Jennifer Bosworth

    I am looking for an attorney who is willing to take on a parent alienation case in the state of Virginia. I have collected my own evidence & proof that my ex-husband & his wife have alienated my children purposely from me. My oldest child is now an adult and can provide confirmation of what is going on in their household.

    • http://myfamilylaw.com/ Jeremy

      Hi, Jennifer. If you’re looking for family law representation in Virginia, you may consider requesting a case review online to have a local attorney contact you, or searching our Yellow Pages directory to find a lawyer in your area whom you can contact immediately.

    • nubegris26

      that is great ..whta kind of proof do you have? have you have recordings?

  • JOHN THOMAS HONEYCUTT JR

    My children are being alienated from me and mentaly abused, but the only proof I have is what the kids tell me. The children have already told the Judge what is being said to them at there mothers house but she lies and says she don’t say those things. She lives with her Mother and they both call me names, death threats, threaten to beat me up, etc. All in front of the kids. My boys are 15 1/2 and 10. I have turned her in to Pa childrens services and they won’t do anything about it either unless there is physical abuse or a councelor calls them. I have told my boys councelor he could call them but he has not. What else can I do to protect my boys. They want to live with me but the Judge keeps giving her majority custody and never gives me a reason for his decision. She keeps hurting my boys by attacking me. She had an affair and left me and she tried to convince my boys that I had an affair too which I did not do, then 3 months after she left she tried to convince my boys I was committing adultery like she did. My boys love my girlfriend and won’t accept her boyfriend and the Judge still gave her majority custody even though the boys said they wanted 50/50 custody every other week with each of us. Why is our court system so un fair. I didnt cheat on my wife, I didn’t leave my family, and I have to pay for it all with the loss of the majority of my kids when they want to be with me and then I pay support that she doesn’t even use to support my kids. When they need something she tells them to ask me. Our Judge in Adams County, Judge Bigham has just sentenced my kids to a life of missery with there Mother and I feel he did not have the kids best interest at heart and is very byess to the mother and the fathers have no chance even though they are the better parent and provider. WHERE IS THE LAWS. She lied under oath in court to things that the kids have already told the Judge and should have been held in contempt but she wasn’t. She has been in contempt of court on at least ten occasions and nothing ever happens to her. If That were me I would probably be sent to jail. Our court system is very Predjidace against Fathers and it needs to be changed. I’ve always felt both parents deserve equal time unless there is a good reason they can’t and that Judge has no reason not to give me equal time with my kids. Can anybody help me in my situation. I’ve already spent 10,000.00 dollars in fees trying to get whats right and cannot afford to keep going like this. Are there any pro bono attorneys that might want to help me get my kids back to where they want to be. Please help me. My kids and I want and need each other,
    Signed: a Father who has no faith in our system any more.

    • http://myfamilylaw.com/yp/monica_c_mazzei Monica

      You should contact your local Bar Association or the American Bar Association Pro Bono Directory to find out if pro bono legal services are offered and if you qualify for those services.

      You may also want to request that the court order an evaluation by a therapist/psychologist be conducted and that the therapist/psychologist provide the court with their custody recommendation.

      • alienated parent

        Do Not ever ask for an evaluation if you are the parent lacking funds. Evaluations are corrupt and they can be bought and paid for, Once the evaluation is done it is hard to fight. Parents that have personality disorders will do anything to win. My judge was not pro father as you say. My ex put a tracking device on my car and was stalking and harrassing me and the judge still gave my ex custody. My ex has had two restraining orders against him and he still has custody. I have documented conversations showing blatant alienation and my ex calling me names with the children. I have over 12 police reports of court order violations for mussed visitation. I have my ex taking our children out of state on vacations and now out of the county for vacations and the court does nothing to him even though he has no permission to do so. The family court system is so broken and lawyers are only there to take your money. I have spent 30k in two years for absolutely NOTHING!LAWYERS are a big waste of money and there is absolutely nothing you can do about them taking money and giving you nothing for the money you spend. I don’t know how a TRO )temporary restraining order can get posponed from august 2011 until present and be continued over and over but I have to pay for my lawyer to show up to continue it over and over and over again!

    • Alienated

      I feel compeled to at least share my personal (not professional) feelings after reading a post on here. My comments are in response to a Mr. John Honeycutt Jr’s blog.

      As a loving mother to four beautiful children that I have loved, adored, raised and been devoted to for 19 years (3 are still young)
      I am also an alienated (targeted) parent. It is one of the most confusing, devastating, heartbreaking and one of the most destructive forms of abuse. Alienation is a slow death for a targeted parent and you can actually feel it killing you day by day. It is more unbearable (as you feel like you’re dying) to watch your little ones, every single day, little by little, witness their hearts changing and their souls drifting further and further away. With that small glimpse into my world, and also a severly alienated mom, I have to say that there are many things in the above post that just DO NOT
      add up or make sense to me. (If my gut is wrong I apologize but if
      just IF…… this post is coming from a parent that is the Alienating Parent and specifically on here to position himself… I have to state that it makes me sick to my core. And If this might be what I am reading then you should listen and understand that parents that make the conscious choice to alienate and alter their own childs heart, mind and emotions for their own selfish gain…… then that parent not only deserves to lose full custody and all rights, that alienating parent deserves nothing less than being charged, prosecuted to the fullest and a lifetime left with your thoughts and those alone.
      Children that are alienated do not “want” the alienated parent, children that are alienated do not “ask and state” that they want to live with the alienated parent, children that are alienated do not run back to the alienated parent and share stories, statements and give
      information. Children that are alienated do not tell a judge they want to live with the “targeted/alienated parent.”
      I will state just one more thing as a parent that has lived this hell
      for far too long…. Parents that Alienate do not, can not, WILL not change. Once suspicion is raised towards them after they concoct , fabricate and then feed their allegations they will then attempt to move hell to heaven to prove that their claims (lie, allegation, latest story) are justified. It is a sick, slow, twisted abuse that destroys parents while leaving innocent children devastated all taking place while the Alienating Parent’s pats his own back, still actively seeking the recognition (from anyone) he has alone decided he is entitled to for his job well done.

      • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

        ?Thank you alienated!
        I have seen a few blogs or stories such as the one your refering to and because I have lived the slow, heartbreaking, spiral of PAS, that is not parental alienation! You actually described it well. It starts slow, like when my sons Mom stole my small grill from my yard because I told her of the fun my son and I had bringing it to grill while fishing. Or when I mentioned how excited I was to bring my so to his first baseball game, however when I picked him up on my wknd the first thing he said was how fun he had at the yankee game a few days ago. A couple years later of visitation disruptions etc my son was calling me joe instead of dad and my food was rotton. He also informed me that I was a bum and dirty and his cars and home, computer etc were better than mine. A couple years later came the false accusation of sexual abuse to my son. This was investigated by DCF , Police and unfounded. After missing two months with restraining order etc. The next 13 months came six more false accusations with the last being a week before christmas of physical abuse. I missed my christmas year with him because of the temp. protective order. At the jan 6th hearing the restraining order was vacated and the judge ordered my visitation to resume. Well, to this date I have not seen my son. First she said I did not pick him up and then bveing a few months said he did not want to see me. The ending stage is when your child is completed brain washed and says he does not want to visit you! My son has reached this stage a month ago when he said he doesnt want to see me. We had such a great relationship. Thats the short of it. I am currently putting together a case for my contempt modification hearing next month. If there is someone to help me please contact me. connecticut jimgreenwich@aol.com I believe I will need an expert in PAS to interview son for evidence

        • jamie

          My adult son has been kept from his son since the child was born. Off and of from the child’s birth…until he was 2 1/2. Then suddenly total isolation from my son! My grandson will be 4 in Feb. The mother has custody/they were never married. In ky apparently anyone can keep a child from their father who pays child support and desperately wants their son!!!! My son has no money and cannot get a lawyer. I have no money to help. The court told him too bad.The mother and maternal Grandmother have been proven in court to be thieves and drug addicts but the court says my son who has no criminal activity or record can do a thing without a lawyer!!! Some justice system here in KY!!!!

        • Jill

          I am in the same boat as you. I feel for you, your pain! If you received any help on this situation, please offer how to prove PAS in court.

          Jill

      • Star

        YOU are so correct!! My heart is breaking into because i am the best parent in the world. I had two older daughters and he as stepdad tried to alieniate them from me , my OWN flesh. They are now grown but our own kids, who are now teens are hateful, mean and ugly to me no matter what i do or say . Im the one who buys them all their toys, yet they will take them to their dads. He takes them Christmas, New years, all my holidays and now my 13 year old hardly comes to my home!! I have no help because they are in cahoots with the county. Its heartbreaking !!! My 15 yr old used me horribly because she knows im in fear of her doing the same thing. This is ridiculous!!! WHY wont anyone help!????

      • Broken hearted Mommy

        My heart is weeping with you I also am being held hostage by own kids and they are being held hostage by their dad and dont even know that the control freak they deem as their Hero is tearing their lives to shreds forever. My heart is Bleeding . I have no idea at this point what to do. Did you ever read the story of Ms Issa?? She battled for years the same thing we are suffering. We as mothers went through the horrible agonizing pain of childbirth …and theres something about it (even the bible says that theres NO GREATER love than a MOTHERS love) . A Fathers love is vital also!! Kids need both their parents! I hope your pain eases soon! I didnt even see my kids on Mothers Day …….what greater pain is that?

        • Blase

          I am finding that the cases of alienation is primarily woman who have custodial custody, in a lot of cases woman end up with custodial rights during the first few months of child birth due to breast feeding and such things that are vital to a child’s development.

          Yet it does go both ways. The custodial parent has or develops a narsistic (typo) trait in their personality. Looking in hind sight there were so many times before the birth of our child. The self centered ego of my ex was popping up.

          She rarely if ever said sorry for anything that would be appropriate for her to do so. Instead she would buy me something and ignore the fact she was wrong.

          I would be distracted by the gifts. Still feeling a sense of dissatisfaction. I didn’t need material things, just acknowledgment. Not all the time just once and a while. She would never admit to being wrong emotionally.

          Validation of my feeling were all I needed. I’m a very simple man and easy to please. All I ever wanted was her love and attention when she had the time to give it to me.

          She was loving and did give me attention. But never truly validated any feelings that weren’t a 100% positive, also making her passive aggressive. She was never outwardly physically violent, but she would be extra abrasive over the slightest emotional infraction and would carry it on for days, it would lead to a blow out and then after everyone was crying did she express what it was that was truly bothering her.

          The issue would always be something that was weeks or months old, and completely unrelated to what it was that escalated things to us both being in tears.

          (I would plead with her; Honey please be more open with your emotions. I don’t want to do something or not be doing something that hurts your emotions. I’m your husband please don’t allow your emotions about certain issues build up to the point of unhealthy verbal fights, and put wedges between us. We love each other more then that.

          Again she never would say what was truly bothering her. I would almost always let her know if a repeated behavior bothered me. I feel in any relationship that’s on going, weather it be a working relationship, business, casual, or most important family and loving relationships that we keep each other informed about our feelings and desires.

          Healthy Communication is everything for any type of relations to flourish and be long lasting is key and almost mandatory for it to grow and be successful.

          You also have to recognize your partners style of communication and respect it. ( it goes both ways though.)

          My relationship had its peaks and valleys as all relationships do. But for the 10 years we were together the good out weighed the bad.

          It wasn’t until our 10th year that we got married or had our son.

          I had gotten laid off from my job, due to the housing market crash in 2008-2009. Two weeks later we found out she was pregnant with my son.

          We planned on getting married for years prior but we wanted to save money to get an appropriate house for children and for our careers to be stable and consistant.

          She met me when I was young and in my early 20’s. We grew together into adults. I thought I knew about all of her little quirks and imperfections as well as she was aware of all of mine. As we grew and the relationship grew some of those personality flaws were worked on and eliminated others were grown to be accepted and not changed. ( nobody is perfect and in love you have to learn to love a person for the good the bad and the ugly)

          As far as myself is concerned the bad and ugly was revealed very early in our relationship. I was young and immature as we both were.
          I made changes for the better as she did too. We also knew that there were a couple things that we wouldn’t be able to change In our selves but it wasn’t crucial. They were small and we both were able to accept those things in one another, ( or at least I did). (She seemed to be ok with my imperfections as well?)

          We thought we had each other and things figured out. We had the support of our families we were both loved and well liked by each others family. Their wasn’t a thing that either family wouldn’t do for the other because weoved each other and knew we would all be one big family.

          Well that year In 2009 the same year I got laid off, got married and had my son. It was stressful all the planning and bracing for life’s biggest changes.

          Some of it was good stress though. Planning the babies room. The wedding all the while on a limited budget.

          To be honest though we had support and her job paid ridiculously well. We lived humble and not beyond out means. So we were fine.

          For the first 2 months after the wedding it was blissful. We had fun never fought and made lots of love.

          For the next 2 months as the birth date approached the stress started up again. For myself it was finding a job. For her it seemed to be everything. There was no satisfaction in anything she did or I did.

          She has never had to look for a job in her life. If there was a change In her place to work. It was because a supervisor of hers quit and went somewhere else then that supervisor would bring her along.

          She could not understand how being a laid Hvac apprentice was almost impossible to find work. She wouldn’t accept the fact that I could not find work even though I had proof that I was job hunting for 50-60 hrs a week.

          She wouldn’t allow me to take a minimum wage job or one that I could do until I could get back in to the trade. She would say its a waste of time to work a job that wasnt going to advance my career.

          True, but with a child on the way I didn’t have the luxury to ware for the economy to change. I applied to any and every type of job a person could do.

          Well she became bitter, she would come home and pick fights telling I’m not doing enough and began to question my integrity, now mind you I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and house keeping duties.

          My working pregnant wife did not need to do anything after work. I needed to do these things for her and myself. I could not live with the fact that I wasn’t able to make large monetary contributions.

          So I made up for it anywhere and every where else I could.
          Didn’t appreciative or acknowledge any of the things I was doing to keep the house together. Nor did she bother to recognize how much not working hurt me as a man and soon to be dad.

          She would tell me she knew that it wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t working, yet she would be very confrontational about issues around the house that either directly of indirectly pointed back to the fact I wasn’t working.

          We began to have some verbal fights. We both fought unfairly at times. Yet she just kept raising the bar. This was something I had never seen in the whole 10 years prior of our relationship.

          I never cheated on her, I never threatened her or put ky hands on her, I never had a delinquent spending habit. I wouldn’t even spend money I would fill the gas tank and pay the bills all the extra went to her.

          So we had I big fight at the end of august. She began this little kick of picking a fighting with me and then with all seriousness tell me if I didn’t like it I could move out.

          Then in the middle of the night wake me up crying asking me not to leave her and that she needed me now more than ever. I’ve never threatened to leave her EVER.

          It was like bipolar? I always reassured her how much I love her and want grow old together I did it daily.

          Well her sister caught wind of her threateningly telling me I need to move out. Her sister actually stuck up for me and told her that her behavior was unacceptable, that we were married and you don’t do that to your husband.

          So ex wife told me she was acting crazy because the baby would be here soon and had no experience with children and didn’t know the first thing about taking care of a child. She blamed it on her own stress and wanted to go on a vacation to the cape. ( this same person would go crazy about not having money to spend on items not needed). I said sure maybe we could use the break, but I would prefer to go to couples therapy to get our communication back on track before our son came into our world.

          I felt like out relationship and communication was far more important than a trip to the cape. We were going to need to start communicating much more affectively and efficiently quickly with our son coming. We couldn’t afford to be selfish and use our energy fighting with each other and that it needed to be used to raise our son.

          Needless to say she got her way and ignored the real issues and thought the problems would be left in the cape.

          2 weeks after we got back we had our final blow out. Of course she kicked me out again while her sister who chastised her about that was standing there. That same sister turned the tide and was screaming at me telling me to leave my house.

          I was very upset and began to yell very loud ( which I’m not proud of ) but it was very loud I’m lucky The police didn’t show, because everyone was yelling just as loud.

          That day was September19th 2009, she avoided me Aladdin me to stay at my parents for a few days to just give her a breather. Well a couple days turned into a couple weeks.

          She agreed to go to a couples therapy session on Oct 4th 2009.
          She showed up just to tell everyone my short comings never apologetic, was rude to the therapist and as soon as she was finished she began to storm out the door. Later that night I was called at 830 to go to the hospital because she was in labor.

          That’s when the alienation began. I was the only person in the room from my family. Her entire family did not speak to me the whole time. They tried to intimidate me while I was holding my new born son.

          I waited until people began to go home and asked her if I could speak to her alone for 5 minutes or less, when ever she was ready.

          She agreed and her sisters left the room. This was to be a private conversation between husband and wife.

          All I wanted to say and did was how important it was for myself to come home and help with the baby and we should start couples therapy after her recovery from the hospital when things settle down a little.

          Well we were in the room alone with the door closed when the conversation began. Towards the end Of my little suggestion I felt like someone was behind me.

          The closed door was cracked open and I see 4 eyes popping through the crack and it was her sisters.

          I was seated and it was late. My wife just had out baby. So I casually laughed and said baby we definitely need to work on communication and maybe get support from our families as well, but only should our families be involved if we invite them mutually into our communication issues; but not this ( I pulled back the curtain and her to sisters were listening to our private conversation).

          I sat down and laughed and calmly said honey, baby this kind of family interjection can’t happen.

          Her sisters started screaming for security. I was so confused.

          Needless to say they lied and had security escort me out of the hospital on the night my first and only son was born.

          That day forward I haven’t herd one truthful thing about myself or my son out of their mouths.

          Sue refuses to let me know about medical appointments. She out him in day care and won’t tell me where. She does everything to shorten or outright miss my visits.

          I am supposed to see him at least 3 times a week for no less than 6 hours. Now I see him 2 times a month totalling only 6 hours.

          We have 50/50 custody. She has done nothing but violate the orders with no penalty to her. She’s tried to get a restraining order against me even though I haven’t seen of spoke to her in over a year.

          Basically she has taken her personal feelings about the end of our relationship and using my son to get revenge I guess for a failed marriage.

          My son had never seen me excited or upset. He has not ever seen me angry, I have worked with children my whole life and am the oldest of my generation. I’ve help take care of every single family member that is younger than me.

          I’ve taken care of her best friends son when we were in high school. She tries to paint me as an unfit father, yet she was the one waking me up in the middle of the night pleading with me not to leave because she hasn’t the slightest clue on how to deal with children.

          She was the baby in her family and questioned if she ever wanted kids throughout the relationship.

          Well I respected it, I needed to. I just wanted to give her anything and everything she needed as the due date got closer.
          Thank you kindly,

          Blase Burdick

      • Alienated too

        I have 3 boys; the oldest completely alienated, the other two close…My ex is believable….I am an educated, essentially normal female….I can not figure out how one person can manipulate courts, police, friends, coaches, counselors..to name a few to believe abuse etc when these people know me, the boys never have a mark on them, they are bright, energetic etc…normal boys…not abused…but alienated. How does one fight the system?
        I have been knocked down in every way…. on my knees. My ex use to threaten PAS in emails and text…I laughed thinking go ahead try it…the boys know me>>>Wow was I ever so wrong….Noone understands what these people are capable of…the depth of manipulation…it is frightening.
        I am trying to save the relationship I have with my youngest boys now 13, 15…my 17 hates me, threatens me…I just don’t where to begin..Can not get counseling because all they want joint consent…the ex will not consent.

        He manipulates the courts and delays processes….

        I do not want court ordered counseling…the boys are not free to say what they want or need…they know it will end up in the records for everyone to read…they fear it….do the courts not see this…Children need a safe place to talk…they need intervention and problem solving skills….not a court ordered counselor who writes about the private counseling session for both parents to see….hello…..do they not think they armed the alienating parent with more ammunition??

        Anyway…to those who have lost children to alienation….How are you coping?

        Everyday I struggle…the last two years are becoming worse…where do you find purpose, meaning…how do you fight on against this wrong doing? where do you get energy…trust again…

        email and let me know

  • mitchi

    i have joint custody of my two children ages 6 and 10. i am in a relationship and thinking about moving in with my boyfriend. what is the state law in Mississippi for cohabiting? my boyfriend and i aren’t going to get married right away but want to be together and me and my children love him very much.

  • Erin

    My ex has physical custody without a court order. He recently moved to Oklahoma with out my knowledge or consent. He has not let me see her or speak to her in 2 1/2 years. Every time recently I have asked to speak to her, they tell me that she doesnt want to talk to or see me ever. Is this still considered parental alienation? And if so, what are my rights as the mother when there has been no court ordered custody?

  • Bean

    I am looking for information for my fiancee who is supposed to have joint custody of his three children. Until a year ago, he had physical custody of his oldest son. That changed after a mediator insisted the boy go to his mother’s. Since then, she moved from Kansas to Oklahoma, did not provide him with her home address nor any information about the schools the children attend. She has not given him medical information, like when his younger son fell int a fire and was hospitalized, school information as when his older boy has been continually kicked out of school, etc. Now she has gone from moderate interfering with his rights to actively alienating him from the children by changing her home phone number, denying his spring visitation and refusing to allow him to see his children at all unless he takes various classes SHE feels are necessary, including drug/alcohol classes, even though she and her parents, who she lives with, were busted a few months ago with various drug related items in their home where the children reside. I could go on, but you see the point.

    I fail to understand how she can get away with the many contempt of court charges against her when most people would have been arrested. The courts will not help him at all unless he gets a lawyer and fights her in court, yet if he’s behind in child support, the courts will go after him full throttle. Is there any justice in Kansas law? Is there any recourse for fathers being denied their rights to be a part of their children’s lives? The oldest wants desperately to come back to his father, but the mother will not even allow phone conversations. She actively tries to turn the kids against their father and will tell him the children do not want to see or speak to him when that is NOT the case. She has lied on court documents, effectively playing God to get back at him for imagined slights. She is out of control and the children are being hurt by this. We need help. Please.

  • robin

    I am 24 years old. I have 2 children,4 and 8.I adopted my wifes 8 yr old, from a previous relationship, after we were married.We had to get married and have been married for 4 years.We are having major problems and my wife is theartening divorce or leaving with the girls.We have no $, I just graduated from college with a teaching degree and have no job. I apply for all jobs but there is a hiring freeze. My wife did not graduate from high school and works at a Krogers gas station .I am scared to death of losing my girls.My wife is making life miserable for the girls & me, but I am afraid to stand up to her because of the reprcussions.She has already starting to alienate my family, by not letting them see the girls. My family has given us a house to live in and has supported us both financially and emotionally. I live in Wood county,West Virginia and just need to know my rights.Any advice would be appreciated.

  • concerned mom

    i have a 15 year old daughter with my ex. we were divorrced in FL and he has residential custody and we have shared parenting. he moved to MS years ago and since our daughter was 2 his wife and her family have talked baddly about me in front of her. now that she is 15 they are systematically alienating me from her by saying hateful things about me and making me out to be “the bad guy” when i tell her no to some things. I live in MS now and have been trying to build a relationship with her. I have 5 other children with my current husband. is there an alienation law in MS?

  • Jo

    I am in the process of getting custody of my son, it was a CPS case a few years ago and I, unknowingly, assigned her as sole conservator, I was in another state and she only faxed me the signature page, my bad. I was with my son, living with my mother after being laid off, for 9 months. After I got a job and on my feet I told my mother that I would be going for custody. She got mad and took him away from me, blocking all contact at all. Prior to that I had him weekends, for spring break, etc. It was at my father’s funeral that she started an argument with me and I had told her I wanted him back. That’s when contact was cut off. I hired an attorney and have spent $15,000 getting nowhere, my attorney is actually resigning from the case because she is so annoyed with my mother and her attorney. We had gone to mediation and she said all I could have is one weekend a month, not the whole weekend, we have to drive out to her house, get a hotel room, pick him up saturdays at 9 am and drop him off by 9 pm then get him on sunday at 9 am and have him back by 5 pm, unless she changes her mind, which happens whenever she gets upset about something. She allows my ex-husband to have him for weeks and weekends, he was in prison for abusing me, her reasoning was “because he’s not taking me to court”. I am allowed to only call my son on Wednesday’s between 8pm and 9pm, and she hasn’t been there many times for that. She records our conversations or is in the room so he can’t talk, she does not allow us to email each other, etc. She doesn’t inform me of medical, dental, etc or school. She did not list me as an emergency contact at school, which is required. Now she says that I’m not allowed to have lunch with my son at school, I went once a few weeks ago and she didn’t know until the school called her. Even though court papers say I’m allowed to go. Isn’t this parent alienation???? Can someone help me with advice???? I can’t afford another attorney and so now I have to go to court alone and try to fight this. Please help………I am in Texas.

    • joe

      hi joe, this is pad, but just watchout for the abuse accusations should you look to her as a threat to win. I feel for you and all mostly guys going through this. I was a cop for over 20 years and could see from the many family disputes i went to how the woman uses the police against the man. They always make sure theres a report! I didnt have a child at the time, but knew then it was wrong. My life is so terible now, the frustration of defending myself against her false accusations hurt the most

    • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

      PAS starts slowly with minor acts of PAS. It begins to get worst with the alienating parent doing all she can to disrupt visitation, including planning play dates etc on your visitation time. Your child may ask you questions like, “Do you love me?” This is from the pas parent giving him thoughts with the intent for him to think this. Child may call you by your first name and not Dad. Child will begin to say things like your food is rotton or you look like a bum etc.Then as it progresses false accusations will begin in an attempt for you not to see your son. The longer you go with no contact with your child the more the pas parent is able to brain wash the child. Once your child begins to say they don’t want to see you and say they dont like you, without a ligitimiit reason, thats when its pas! My life has sucked from heartache and worry. Frustrations that nobody seems to believe your being alienated. I am fighting for custody Oct. 3. I am throwing all I have out to the Judge! I hope he understands what pas is and does give me custodial rights. My poor son must sit in his room wondering whats going on and maybe feeling guilty for going along with his Mom knowing she is lying. I begged her in emails to stop destroying his life but she doesn’t see what she is doing. She thinks its a game on who wins him. She is sick and I have to get him out of there! Make sure you tell your child when ever possible you love him and don’t blame him for whats ocurring. I read that the target parent, you, should hint and mention vaigely what the pas parent is doing. This is required so he can think about what is actually happening.

  • Chellee

    My fiance’s ex wife has recently told him she is blocking his phone from his children’s phones, so he can no longer contact them by phone. She stated that all communication between them will be by mail only. There is nothing in their divorce agreement about phone contact. Is there a law in Illinois against cutting him off from his kids for the exception of his visitation weekends? His court order states he is to receive “resonable visitation”, and he only gets to see them every other weekend. Thank you for your time.

    • white

      he can ask to go back to court to get telephonic calls and to modify vistation…meaning being more specific about the calls and or vistis because of the hostile relationship betweent the two of them. Good Luck!!

  • white

    My husband has a 15year old daughter that he is currnetly in court trying to establish a realtionship with her after 10years of aleination from her mother. She is stating that she doesnt want a relationship with my husband beceause he left her and she already has a dad. Good thing though her mom asked the courts to the courts to grant a TI therapist interventionist to reunite with his daughter. When my husband went to meet with the TI he showed her all the proof that he had been having with his daughters mother regarding PAS. The therapist is not saying anything but I think that she is beginning to notice what I am talking about regarding the whole PAS my husband ex has been showing..please tell me what else is there to expect now at this point.

    • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

      Why did he take so long to fight back? If your husband is winning the argument for his right to visitation then he must look out for false accusations! Believe me they hurt. Try and document your time with the daughter and he should never put himself in a position alone with his ex to avoid false accusations. The PA parent will get desperate if she feels she may be losing her control of their daughter. PAS is a sick disorder and many, many, parents have been destroyed or even jailed from false accusations. Whats hard is the child will say what ever the PA parent tells them making it hard for the other parent to defend against and prove PAS. This is why there seems to be a crying out for all involved with family matters be educated in PAS, a mandatory training!

  • joe

    PLEASE my son Nicklaus ten now is being abused by his moms aliention of his father, me. I even had to retire from the job I loved, Policeman 23 years, from the frustration. I have been accused of all types of abuse and they have been unfounded by police and DCY. Imagine the embaraassment of sexual abuse investigation by people you worked with! I could tell you all the details, but its just too long. I assure you it goes beyond enough proof of PAD. I am still living with embarrasiing thoughts. His mom has even threatened to go to her country colombia with nicklaus. She already kidnapped him twice to colombia. There is so much to this case. Please someone take on this case and fight for Nicklaus and all the kids out there that are seriously being harmed by this selfish, sick abuse! I dont have much money now because I have become depressed and frustrated because I am trapped and cornered and my son is getting further and further from his father!

  • Jennifer

    I was threatened with losing my kids if I did not sign an agreement that states my kids have to go to their dad’s every other week for a week at a time. When they are there, they are alienated from me by their dad and stepmom. I got a protective order when he tried to hit me in front of my kids and because I could not afford a lawyer and I was told I would lose my kids if I did not sign the agreement, I signed. My kids are sick to their stomachs on Sunday nights knowing they have to go to their dad’s the next Monday. I need some affordable legal help asap in Oklahoma.

  • Broken Bond

    I am a mother of a thirteen year old daughter, her father and I were never married, but lived together for about six months or more. When my daughter was four, I transitioned from the military to being disabled, and no income(wating to get ssi and va disability) tried to talk to father about helping take care of our daughter untill I got on my feet. He went to court and they gave him sole physical custody and joint legal custody. It has been nine years he has had her and I may have been able to see her maybe three of those nine years. I have presented numerous amounts of evidence of the father denying my court ordered visitation, not to mention his own admission of denying my visitation , listening in on my scheduled phone calls limiting and or coaching my daughters conversation( again he has admited these violation in court) he has also violated the court appointed rights of our childs maternal Great-grand mother and aunts who are all now deceased. Each court hearing the judge would say ” you have lots of good evidence but since this behavior did not occur while I have jurisdiction I’m throwing out the evidence and if he messes up while I’m in charge then I will do something about it”. So the father agreed to follow court order at that moment and there after never complied. so everytime I went to court to because of visitation denial, there was always a new judge who continuiously did nothing. I’ve. Spent thousands of dollars to no avail. Will there ever be hope of me regaining custody of our child or even be allowed to see our child? This man has told my child I threw her away as though she were a piece of trash, that I don’t care about her, and I’m always the one who keeps the madness going. He has broken the very close bond I had with our daughter and this has broken my heart to the core being of my soul. I have gone through these past years confused, hurt, and torn apart, and in belief that there is no help for me especially through the courts in oakland C.A. I really would appriciate advice, comfort, something.

    • tra

      When I read your plea I saw my own life and the fight for my daughter. Right down to the disability from the military. My story is as crazy as yours. Even our wording is the same. It’s plain insane what my ex is getting by with. I’m not in a great mood. Never am after I receive a condemning, degrading email from him. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. It just pi**es me off. But I really hurt for her and the fact he puts her in the middle to hurt me. He’s kept her away from me for almost 2 yrs. Illegally. And made up so many lies. But he’s got “endless access to money” and is a “warrant officer” in the navy so his crap doesn’t stink. He’s a weird pervert. I would know, I lived with him. I found naked pics of men she drew. With his name beside them. I’ve been helpless to help her. That’s what’s hurt the most. I’m on my 5th lawyer. Spent $30,000 in lawyer fees. I gave up fighting long distance and gave up my business and all my personal things and moved near her. I’ve been here 2mths and I have yet to see or talk to her. He’s got everyone scared to death of me. But I’ve never given up and never will. And I do have hope and try to keep my dreams alive. I try to focus on the many blessings I’ve been given by God and I KNOW she will be with me soon. He’s digging his own grave by alienating her from me. If the courts can’t see through his BS I’ll go to Washington DC and fight him. Remember your rights. FOIC. The Disability Act. Tenacious, never give up, I’m a mad pit bull mom. You stick with it. You are worthy to be her Mom.

  • shawna

    I am divorced by a man from Egypt now for about 8 years now. We have 2 sons that he took to Egypt and kepy them there for 6 long years. With me not having not much money and really no idea where exactly they were I waited. He has since brought them home. I am in fear that he will again take them again to Egypt. Not sure what to do. I know they have been filled with lots of lies about me from, him and his family. As they were very young when he first took them. Any ideas what I can do would be greatly appreciated.

  • Danice

    I left my childrens father 7 years ago…he kept contact with the kIds for about 6months to a year..he stalked and harrassed me horribly during that time and I often had to force visitation ad he wou
    ld refuse to pick them up if I had plans…i met my current husband and my ex went nuts and refused to pick the kids up or pay support..he ceased all contact and we moved on with our lives..4 years passed..last year I made the horrible decisionto file for child support..my ex and his new wife were livid and immediatly wanted visitation..long story short..i denied visitation and was arrested…NOW…after all the legal fees and my poor kids being put through the whole process..i took my ex back to court to ask that his LITHIUM soaked wife is not allowed to be alone with the kids…he then draftwd a letter to my lawyer stating he wanted to suspend his visitation until further notice because he had BAD BRAKES THAT NEEDED FIXING…that was 2 months ago and not a peep from this jerk…once again he has abandoned the kids…i want to take an action to modify his visitation again…but dont want to wake the ego giant again and they stRt showing up again for visitation…what should I do.

  • tink

    I have had custody of my child for three years now after getting married and divorced in Nebraska. I now live in Arkansas. My child is able to see her father on visitations. I have been dating a man for about a year now. We are wanting to make the next move and move in together for a while to see if things may work out. Is it against Nebraska laws to move in with my boyfriend without being married? We intend to get married in the future if things continue working out the way they are now. I don’t want to take any chances on having to go back to court or possibly lose my because of this. Will there be any grounds for me to be taken back to court if I do move in with him without being married?

  • Stephanie

    Parential Alienation Syndrome is being used against me. 3 chidren have told counselors, judges, reunification counselors, social services and Best Interest attornies the physical and mental abuse their father has done for years. Even have witnesses. Child bruised and scratched on supervised visiation. Police report and photos. Social Services closed the case as no proof. Court continues to ignore the evidence. The alienation is caused from his behavior. I am a protective parent being abused by the system. The system set up to protect children is not doing there job. Only giving the abuser. The psy “report: discredits me and the children. Lack all information and evidence I provided.
    Have been told by co parenting coordinator I will loose my children. Judge has adivse the chiildren will be sent away if they don’t change to psy facility or boarding school becasue they will not go on visitation w/there fahter. They don’t want to be hurt anymore.
    Need a probono attorney who has a heart for justice . Have no funds and no access to funds. Funds are available when properties are all sold.

  • Fargunel

    I really want to say that
    1. This is happening more and more to mums
    2. It is NOT a mental health issue but CHILD ABUSE
    3. Men & women use this, not in the child’s best interests but as punishment to the other parent or worse as a revenge tactic
    4. People who use alienation should have custody removed until such time as the child is reinstated with alienated parent.
    5. There are real cases of parents with serious concerns for the safety of the children with the other parent
    6. The courts need to take these concerns seriously and INVESTIGATE
    7. Would it make more sense to keep children with their primary carer, assuming a stay at home parent.

    I have 2 children, I have 1 child stay with me on week about, but the other I have not had with me for 2yrs, he will not even speak to me, he abuses his other sibling because of their time with me. I have been accused of violence towards the alienated child, this is utter bull!! I have been told by court Psychiatrist I have “serious psychiatric problems” although I am perfectly capable of caring for 1 child… I was a stay at home parent (we both agreed to this before we married) and now I fight for my sons rights, not to be abused by not only his other parent but by the entire family (inlaws) who support the other parent.
    oh i could go on, but, the issue is
    CHILD ABUSE by anyone (especially) parents MUST BE STOPPED
    this needs to be a CRIMINAL offence not a family law one.
    Family Law is a toothless tiger when it comes to the true abusers.

    • Fargunel

      This being said…
      I would take time to warn all parents that PAS was created by a man who is a pedophile and abuser..
      Please dont support his stand point as it is an abusive one.
      Alienation is a real consequence of family abuse and should be treated seriously.

      what would people do if the court said “Until you can work this out appropriately, your children will be put in foster care”
      Would we we work like crazy to set aside our ego’s and create an appropriate parenting plan for our children?

      JMO

      • Stephanie

        Judge has already stated that if “girls don’t change they will be sent to full/part rehab such as Shepard Pratt or boarding school. Even Co parenting coordinator “guaranteed me I would loose my children.” I have pictures of physical abuse that Social Services ignored. Now where is all this justice for children. We must all stand up and become vocal with our stories to stop abusive parents from receiving custody and the funding of tax payers money and paying all these court appointed people making money off of us and destroying beautiful children. People say they hear about this. Why is the news and reporters not contacted to educate the public about what is happening to our protective parents?

      • The misunderstood

        Fargunel…

        Unfortunately, your point of view is not absorbed well. These people/children are truly victims. I met my husband 3 1/2 years ago and he told me the first night that his ex was crazy, she was brainwashing the children and he would eventually get full custody. Well, I am here to tell you that this awful woman has gone to every length possible to hurt my husband and myself at the sacrifice of her own children’s hearts and souls. Their son is threatening to hurt himself now. He is so confused constantly being lied to by his mother. My husband has tried and tried but it is so bad that the children wont even come with him. It is a sick and twisted game she plays. Between the Guardian Ed Litem, our attorney and a counselor the older child was seeing they have already determined that this is one of the worst cases of PAS they have EVER seen! Parents who are willing to alienate WILL NOT stop!! For anything!! I have family praying for us and I pray everyday that this will soon stop! I pray that these children will be able to get out of the abusive situation they are in with their mother! Children deserve more from parents. I myself have a son and his father was very abusive but I have never spoken a bad word about him to my son EVER! One day he may see who his father is…in his own time. Shame on the alienating parents out there and to the victims I pray that each and every one of you gets custody of your poor, tired and confused children! They still love you, they always will!

  • Patricia

    I am in a very loving, married relationship with a man who has a heart of gold. The problem, he and his wife were divorced 7 years ago when the boys were 4 and 6 years old. She would leave the boys alone with their dad while “she went out to tan” and not show back up at home til 1am. Hello, it doesn’t take that long to tan! she always had an excuse as to where she so called went. But in reality it was to go to see her “lover” When she finally got caught, she was asked if she was going to continue to see her “lover” when her response was “Yes” he told her we are through. Since they lived in the same town he was able to see the boys for about 4 hours every night and they enjoyed their time together. Then she met her new husband and moved the boys 2 hours away and was in hopes that they would turn to their stepdad and forget about the only dad they have ever known. She also proceeded to tell a 4 and 6 year old that their dad, is not their biologoical father as he was unable to have children of his own, they were artifically insemenated. Now that they are 11 and almost 14, the oldest has anger issues and calls his dad on facebook, “no nut wonder” Their mom hates their dad so much that she fills their young minds with things about their dad that never existed. She has posioned their minds against him and they will go to all lengthes to lie for their mom about anything she wants them to lie about. They just recently have decided they don’t want to see him anymore that they are mad at him for some unknown reason. We have gone ahead and gotten married without telling them……they were mad at us and wouldn’t talk to him at the time anyways, so we figured they wouldn’t want to be involved with our marriage which only took place in a courthouse due to our not being able to afford an expensive wedding party. Now they are saying we left them out on purpose. What advice can anyone give us on how to mend a posion their mom instilled into them? Is there any hope? They used to have fun coming to our house and going to Amusement Parks and fishing and camping, now they say they only pretended to have fun. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    • J.G.

      Hello Patricia,

      There are so many real PAS situations with many ending in heartbreak because of one parent’s, usually the Mom custodial parent, selfish all out efforts to alienate the child from the other parent. I have gone through hell and my once loving son has now been brain washed by her. Weird things had been occuring over the years as my son starting to ask me if I loved him. He started treating me with disrespect with comments such as I am a bum, my food is rotton etc. Its continuosely escalates as mine did, which is when she accused me of sexual assault! That was 15 months ago. Five more false dcf complaints ALL unfounded. Past Christmas was my christmas with my ten year old son and I felt she was going to ruin it. Well, a week prior to Christmas she picked him up at my weekend visit and went to the police claiming I hit him and threatened her with a golf club! I swear to you it was a complete lie! So, to this day I have not seen my son! I been fighting but with him acknowl;eding her lies the officials get confused. They dont believe me that its pas. So I bombarwded everyone with pas research websites.

      I wrote my senator and he seems to want to do something.
      The one important thing is not to blame your child because they really do not understand whats going on. But they are being affected and may have anger issues and guilt. This is so sad and I cry often just thinking of what my son is going through! Oct. 24 is my day in court and I may be able to convince the judge. Keep pressing PAS is the problem and do not give up

  • http://texascustody.blogspot.com texascustody

    I agree, you have described alienation very well. Alienation is psychosocial abuse and I have been writing a blog about educating the courts on alienation. There are a lot of things that you can do to help to prevent other parents from being alienated. There are groups like the LeePAS foundation and my blog at texascustody.blogspot.com Education and awareness is the path to stopping alienation abuse. I am very, very sorry for your pain. Since you understand the pain so well, perhaps you could start a support group in your area too. I look forward to our paths crossing in the future and perhaps at that time we will have both translated our pain into something great! Until then keep telling your story and keep reaching out. My virtual hand is holding yours. :O)

  • dave a

    Here is my personal experience with Parental Alienation. Warning, strong language. I’d be interested in any feedback. I hope this video helps other people in similar situations. Thanks.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJDsruc-xxg

    • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

      Hi Dave,
      Man, It makes me so sad watching all the video and article’s explaining the severity and how REAL this disorder is. I just watched the utube video you sent. Why is is so difficult for all involved with my case to understand what really has happened? I bombarded my sons theropist, the GAL PAS research and get no response back? I have evidence that will show that thats whats happened. Isn’t the seven false accusations investigated by DCF, Police and Social workers in the past 14 months enouph? My video of my son and I laughing having a good time together up until a week before Christmas? Her refusal to allow me to see him since then to this date enouph? Well, we will see Oct 24 in Stamford Court what the judge says.

  • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

    hello Patricia,

    There are so many real PAS situations with many ending in heartbreak because of one parent’s, usually the Mom custodial parent, selfish all out efforts to alienate the child from the other parent. I have gone through hell and my once loving son has now been brain washed by her. Weird things had been occuring over the years as my son starting to ask me if I loved him. He started treating me with disrespect with comments such as I am a bum, my food is rotton etc. Its continuosely escalates as mine did, which is when she accused me of sexual assault! That was 15 months ago. Five more false dcf complaints ALL unfounded. Past Christmas was my christmas with my ten year old son and I felt she was going to ruin it. Well, a week prior to Christmas she picked him up at my weekend visit and went to the police claiming I hit him and threatened her with a golf club! I swear to you it was a complete lie! So, to this day I have not seen my son! I been fighting but with him acknowl;eding her lies the officials get confused. They dont believe me that its pas. So I bombarwded everyone with pas research websites.

    I wrote my senator and he seems to want to do something.

    The one important thing is not to blame your child because they really do not understand whats going on. But they are being affected and may have anger issues and guilt. This is so sad and I cry often just thinking of what my son is going through! Oct. 24 is my day in court and I may be able to convince the judge. Keep pressing PAS is the problem and do not give up

  • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

    Hello John T,
    My heart break PAS story is written a couple times in this blog, which I find helpful. Writing down your story helps you vent out the frustrations. Especially as you are trying to desperately get the listener to believe alienating is real, and defending yourself over and over that the alligations, if any, were false. I found no matter how well and desperately I informed people false accusations are part of PAS’s serious stage they look at me with a blank stare. People will allways think, “Maybe he did do something to his child.” So this PAS must be punishable and law.
    In my research I learned that it isn’t PAS until the children don’t want to talk with you or visit. The children are brain washed and will never go against the alienator. Make sure you contact your children to say you love them etc. Watch out for false accusations. The main reason for false accusations is to get restraining orders etc. to keep you from making any contact with your kids. This allows complete alienation to occurr. Good luck.

  • david a

    Joe,
    I know that blank stare! Or the awkward pause when my 10 year-old son is talking on his cell phone to a buddy, asking him if he can come over and play. Then a few seconds pause, and then my son responds “…my dad’s house…” Then a few more seconds go by. And then my son says, “Okay, maybe next week when I’m at my mom’s.” I have no criminal record whatsoever, no substance abuse problems, I have a spotless job record, and in fact work in healthcare taking care of adults and kids!! Yet my vindictive ex-spouse has propagated and web of lies that undermines my very participation in my kids’ lives. Frankly, I don’t blame folks. I would not entrust my young children with someone I wasn’t 100% sure of. The problem is not the other parents–the problem is the sick personality that underlies Parental Alienation.

  • Henry

    It is interesting discussion. The problem with PAS is that there are always 2 sides of the story. Of course each story is going to be positioned in a way that it sides with whoever is telling the story. It is mostly he said she said. Now I think the real problem is the court system. It really is designed to keep you there so that you keep spending money. Contempts don’t mean a thing. If you file one and the other person doesn’t show up they just basically say oh well. THen when you file a subpeona it is the same thing. I see all these people spending thousands of dollars for nothing because the family courts really seem to be designed as a revolving door. No one really knows what goes on in your house. Or if anything you say is true. All evidence is hearsay and they really don’t have the time to look into it. Now for some of you I think there are REAL concerns regarding PAS but that is the problem. You have 100 cases going to each judge and how are they suppose to determine PAS? You can’t bring enough evidence to show that unless there is some other conviction. Joe you say all this stuff but how are people suppose to believe you? Obviously the court doesn’t so there must be a reason. Dave it is amazing to allow yourself to be so close to the kids in this situation. I mean i really think that there are better ways to deal with things. But to me it all comes down what you are willing to do. I do think that in some extreme cases PAS may be justified but I think in the majority of them it is a lame excuse. People need to grow up.

    • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

      Hey Henry, I may have thought the same as you regarding excuses and grow up, if I hadn’t been living a victim to the pas disorder. Yes, there are some who are aware of pas and have learned it is a great defense for there wrongs. However, after going through DCF, Police, social worker investgations the past 15 months for false alligations and in fact ALL were unfounded, with the first claim sexual abuse against my son! There are so many incidents I really don’t feel like writing them.You could hear on one phone recording my son stressed because the mom is standing next to him. You know, I am worn out explaining incidents to show others its happening. PAS is real. I would try not to insult or push those who say they are victims of pas because it really is heart breaking and sad for their children who have no idea they are being mentaslly abused. Your comment just twist the wound further. Do more research and you can see how all the pas research is similar because how the writer describes pas is how it occurs.

      • loving_parent

        The first time that my ex accused me and/or someone in my family of sexually abusing one of our children, I immediately called the police and had them meet me at my ex’s house so that our child could be taken to the hospital for an examination.

        Our child was examined by a doctor and no form of abuse was found. My ex has not made any accusations like that since.

        If accusations like that are ever made against you, demand an examination by a doctor.

        Being assertive and standing up to an alienating parent is the best way to deal with them.

  • Darlene

    So how do you fight against it or get the courts to see it because usually the one doing the alienation wins. What kinds of things do you want to keep record of or what things might cause a judge to see what is happening???

    • loving_parent

      How do you fight it? Start bringing your children to see a counselor and request that you and your spouse attend co-parenting counseling. Note: Some places offer “counseling” but you need to see a licensed professional.

      What will cause a judge to see what is happening? In my case it took the opinions of two licensed counselors backed up by a psychologist (note: those opinions were reached after two years of co-parenting counseling and children counseling).

      If you don’t have a professional opinion backing you up, you will have very little chance of succeeding.

  • http://jimgreenwich@aol.com joe

    Darlene,
    Keep a log of your time with your child. Write down things he says that seem odd coming from a child. Do not put yourself in a position with your ex where she can make a false acccusation. Always tell your child about yourself, like you are responsible, work hard, amd you care about people, your friendly etc. Most importand keep telling your child how much you love him and would never harm him/ her or stop loving him. If you are aware of pas attacks like , while on the phone with your ex she begins raising her voice saying, “Stop yelling and swearing at me, your scaring me!” and you know your child is near her, also that you were not yelling. The mom was just making your child think this, well its okay to explain what she was really doing so he begins opening his eyes as the attacks continue. Dont bad mouth the parent. Keep fighting no matter how difficult and sad you get!

  • loving_parent

    Proving PAS is a long, difficult, and costly road. My initial divorce cost me $46,000 in lawyer fees, psychological evaluations, GAL for the children, and counseling for the children and myself. After coming up with a joint custody agreement, my ex had a change of heart and decided that I should never see our children, thus the custody battle was on. Even though the psychological evaluations and the GAL reports stated that I should be awarded sole custody, my ex ended up being awarded sole custody with one of the reasons being that the counselor would not make any recommendations during our custody trial.

    Luckily with all of the work that I had done during our separation and divorce trial, the judge put in a lot of restrictions and safety nets regarding our children’s well being. Although the initial blow of having custody awarded to my ex was tremendous, I focused on the fact that if my ex followed the judge’s orders, everything would be okay and if not I had clear recourse.

    Unfortunately, my ex not only continued alienating our children from me but things got worse. Our children will no longer hug me, kiss me, or talk to me on the phone. They tell me that they hate me, that I’m stupid, that they don’t want to spend time with me, that they don’t want me to go to their extra-curricular activities, and they put up resistance when I arrive to pick them up for my parenting time. Not only is this affecting me, but it applies to my family and friends as well.

    Forward 8 months post divorce to the present. After several more months of co-parenting counseling as well as counseling for our children, our counselor has reported my ex to DCFS for child endangerment and has written a letter stating that my ex is partaking in parental alienation.

    We are now heading back to court seeking a custody modification.

    Based upon my own experiences, there are a couple of very important things required to fight parental alienation:
    – MOST IMPORTANTLY – Educate yourself on PAS, learn how to respond to your child’s actions, and DO NOT RETALIATE or bad mouth the alienating parent. I would highly recommend that you read “Divorce Poison” by Dr. Warshak and that you order the DVD “Welcome back, Pluto” to watch with your children (ages 8 and over).
    – Have a judge order co-parenting counseling. If things aren’t going well between you and your spouse, go to your attorney and file a petition seeking co-parenting counseling. The opinion of an unbiased professional outweighs the testimony of 10,000 of your friends or family members during trial.
    – Bring your children to see a counselor on a regular basis so that a professional is monitoring them. I did this weekly during my parenting time which was not how I wanted to spend time with my children but for their sake it needed to be done.
    – Keep copies of emails, text messages, and voice messages. Your attorney will know which ones would prove useful in court.
    – Keep a journal of phone calls and events so that you can recall what occurred. Note: You can’t testify to what your children say because it is considered hearsay. However, you can testify as to their actions, body language, crying, etc.
    – Be ready to make sacrifices. I am a middle aged business owner and I am now beyond broke, I moved back in with my parents, and I am selling whatever I can in order to go back to court.
    – Don’t date. Until your life is in order, you are not ready to date. I definitely don’t see how I could have a successful relationship while dealing with the emotional toll of PAS. Find a divorce support group with a positive outlook such as DivorceCare. Seek out a good counselor.

    No matter what the outcome, when it is all said and done be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say “I took the high road and I did everything that I possibly could to help our children”.

  • A strong mom

    They won’t do anything because they think you are retailing against her. I feel for you and your children man.
    In my case DHS, CPS has taken all 4 of my boys. The Judge was saying because of the accedent I was in when I was in at age 12 can’t care for my boys. And now Judge is saying because of the false actions at my visit’s the DHS has been reporting Judge says I still can not care for my boys. It is a big mess my boys do fine at the visit’s. So now the DHS has seperated my boys at my visit. At first I saw all 4 then I saw only one now I see 2 at a time only four a hour and a half. They have all 4 of them in different homes, towns. And they have been moved around 3 times for the young ones and 5 times for my oldest boy. I am writen senates gov. who ever I can get to investagate these dhs people that took our children. For the lawyer it has been a year. Dhs wrote chuck Grassley and told him they would give me more time before they take my p.rights and now they filed for them Jan.10th I have lots of proof of my caring for my boys doctors saying I can care for my boys. How can these people do what they are doing?

  • A strong mom

    I am sorry to say it might have been to long. If it was me I would talk to them about God. And read the bible and study with them. They might not like it at first but time will pass and and the child will recall reading with you. And just keep praying. Hope this helps and don’t ever give up.

  • The Real Mother

    I had an excellent relationship with all of my kids and even with my ex husband until…the new wife whom cant have kids has lied, manipulated, and falsely accusedme of things in which I did not do. I just dont see how I could have ever been married to a man that lets another woman come between his kids and the natural mother(me). He told me after his breakup with his girlfriend in Turkey. When she came to visit him in Florida. He told me that she was jealous of our relationship and wanted him to have nothing to do with me. She did not like me to even call to talk to the kids, but he told her that I was their mother and brokeup with her. Two to three months later he married a woman that was 100000 times worse. Atleast with her I saw my kids and talked to them. She didn’t like it but she understood because she was a mom too. So he married this woman October 2007. Since then I have had little contact to non existent contact with my kids. My ex knew he was not biologically the youngest child’s father but continued to raise him for 6 years. Upon the new wife finding out he was imediately given Not to me but to my parents out of pure hate and jealousy. How my ex let this not so nice person into our lives is beyond me. I think I took his cahonas in the divorce and he has not grown another pair since. LOL! So he has lied for her, with her, and has even went as far as to get my kids to hate me. She has told police officials and judges in FL that I have driven by their house and place of business when I am clearly in another state. Yet, CPS or whatever the organization is there that does not get involved unless there are bruises, DOES NOTHING! I have very little income coming in since I am disabled and cannot afford another atorney to fight this again. So therefore I just heed the day when GOD interveins and brings my baby girl whom I have not even seen a picture of since 2008. So I need help fighting this before my babygirl becomes a woman which is fast approaching as she turns 13 this year. Oh and to top it off the cop that was supposed to be helping is the same one that issued a warrent for me breaking the falsified Injuction by sending a Christmas card. Too funny. OH well GOD WILL PREVAIL!

  • blase

    Yes my name is Blase I’m a 32 year old father, and the non custodial parent. I have had this problem from the night my son was born. He is 2 years 3 months old.
    His mother had security in the hospital escort me out of the building after screaming help in a room we were left alone to talk in.

    Then a about 2 weeks later I received divorce papers claiming I had anger issues. Claiming I was a pot addict.

    To counter these claims I went to an anger management class and a relapse prevention class before court was final. Well the court said because I finished prior to the actual divorce date that it didn’t count.

    She knows I’m not working now. I do pay child support and don’t do any drugs. She knows my schedule so we could set up visitation times. Over time my time time was shortened and days were missed ( not because of my own doing but out of manipulation.

    She has lied about taking him to the doctor. She refused t me anything that would benefit my child. As far as what he likes to do at home, to his medical information, and his whereabouts. She has taken him ut of the state without telling me where. 1

    She won’t communicate the most simple and critical information about my child. She I have been asking for over 1/2

  • hartbroken

    I am going through a custady battle for my son with my ex girlfriends mom, she took my son from us while we were camping for a weekend in the summer we droped him off on friday and were going to pick him up on wednesday but she went behind our backs and went to cort to get temp custady and said we were homeless witch was a lie i had no legal paper work srating where we lived no agrement or nothin in writing that we were renting a place it was pay as u go.. what can i do and she is telling my son things like your dad dont love you he just wants u becouse he gets help from the state for you.he asked me the last time i talked to him y r u my dad and y do u love me how come i dont live with u. me and my ex r spit up and now that i can step back and c things better i relize just how messed up she is i broke up with her becouse she is preg and is smoking pot.

  • WVA

    I am currently in the process of filing contempt of court orders against my children’s mother for violating our established court ordered custody visitation. For the past four years it has been a continuous struggle for myself and family members to see or even speak to my children. I have joint custody but their mother will not allow me phone contact, I have no knowledge of where my children live, and I have no knowledge of what school they attend. I have months of text messages showing her in clear violation of more than one court order. My youngest daughter has recently contacted my niece via cell phone behind her mother’s back and is claiming to want to runaway to be with her family. I am pursuing this with no legal backing and if I could get some advice, I’d greatly appreciate. Thanks.

  • heartbroken

    Dear Alienated, I just want to thank you for posting the pure truth. I encourage you to write a book about this. Your style of expression is so sincere, and so accurate. The suffering continues after the children are grown when a parent (me and you) give our all only to find ourselves dismissed as ‘not needed anymore’. Anyone who reads this I can assure you that Alienated knows exactly what she is talking about. My heart goes out to you and eve3ry parent who is still suffering.

  • Jane

    We have had experiences in our small town in Webster County Missouri that fall very short of justice or even following the law. In child custody modification there is a judge that in his conclusion pointed out and found my ex responsible for the alienation of my son for the past two years. He went on in the conclusion to state that this behavior is affecting my younger two as well. With this he made no change in the custody as we asked but awarded my ex/ alienator with primary address for school for my oldest allowing my oldest to stay with his dad all under the idea he was concerned if placed with me he would run away as he has been programmed to state. The alienation to my other children is recorded in numerous conversation and one that the court listen to and the judge said was brutal to listen to a father talk to his daughter in that way.
    We spent everything we have and can’t afford to appeal and we point out to our lawyer that there are clear statues being broken and laws against this and many things. The response we received from our lawyer is “I know, I am just as upset with the way it is here but that’s the way it is here in Webster County.” I have heard from others that outside attorneys think this towns court system is a joke. We had a GAL that we had finally removed from the case for ethical reasons, allowed to testify and lied on the stand. There is no morality or legal ethics. That GAL only saw one of the three children and refused services and payments and then illegally garnished our accounts and during the case hires my ex’s lawyer to represent her personally. We represented ourselves and had it quashed. I am not saying all are bad but this system keeps many of the lawyers working with each other more than working for the cause of their clients. I want an appeal but our lawyer says it will cost us thousands and thousands of dollars we don’t have. We feel it’s a deterrent. How can we seek justice and how can I appeal myself? Our family and other professionals in the community are disgusted by the outcome. I am not satisfied with that is the way it is. I am prepared to advocate for change and if not for us maybe this will help another family and the courts recognize allowing an alienating parent control is not in the best interest of the child. Also, for my ex as an abuser his desire for control has turned to the kid’s custody to try to get at me as well. Where do you go from here?

  • Sad and alone

    On April 6th, my daughter informed me when we were having a disagreement about her cheerleading; she said I was lying and that her dad shows her every email that I send pertaining to the court issues. She evidently didn’t see the ones he sent to me.
    My daughter told me that her father said that the reason we divorced was because I was a druggie, alcoholic, and I slept around with men in cars behind stores.
    Father has told the children that because I did not pay child support, they could not get the things that they wanted or needed.
    Father has told the children that I caused us to go into bankruptcy, and that I gambled all the money away.
    Father has told the children that I cheated on him.
    Father has told others that I was unfit and that is why I lost my kids and telling them about the child support, and in return they have come back to my kids repeating the same thing. I have proof of this as well.
    Oldest child has told me that he knows his father said things to him to cause him to dislike me and have nothing to do with me. His father told him that I did not love him and the other kids and that all I cared about was child support and I.
    Second week of July 2011 after I had not seen my daughter and son in a month, I was on my way to pick them up and when I got there, no one was home but the kids. Her father called and asked if I was there yet, and she said that I was on my way. She was really excited about coming to see me, her father asked “why are you so excited to see your mom?” and she replied “because I had not seen her in a month.” And he then said “well it did not bother you two weeks ago when you did not want to go”. She then said “Can’t I be excited to see my mom?” he then asked her what I have planned and what I am doing. She said nothing, just want to see my mom.. And he got mad and hung up. He is basically reacting with hurt or sadness to the children for having a good time with me, their mother.
    I bought some school supplies and jeans for my son and he was worried about bringing them home, he said his dad gets mad when I buy them things and they bring it home. I bought him some Axe shampoo at a different time that he likes and it spilled in his bag, his dad got upset and asked where it came from and he said from mom. His father then told him that he was not to bring anything else home from my house because I was just trying to manipulate him. He said to me that day, Mom what is manipulate mean? He could not even pronounce it!
    Not only was I blocked from Facebook, but dad and stepmom has canceled all email accounts for the kids and they have new ones and I am not allowed to have the email addresses. I am not allowed to Skype my kids. They have also blocked my father, brother, and husband from facebook. First it was because they thought I was reading stepmom’s and dad’s wall, but I can’t..! Just because my daughter is friends with them does not mean I can see their walls! Then my daughter finally told me that she was forced to delete me and that if she didn’t then they would take her computer away..(I have proof of this) Now that the court thing has started, the reason is because I was always on her wall posting!
    I have been refused to have my daughter’s cell phone number.
    Father has kept all doctor and dentist appointments to himself. He does not inform me of their upcoming visits, nor after they have gone. My son had a chiropractor appointment last week and my ex never informed me of it.
    I am not included in any correspondences between emails with father..Stepmom..And school. Several emails were sent to step mom and father regarding my daughter’s algebra class, and I was not informed of any of it.
    Father allows children to disrespect me and yell at me over the telephone.
    Father does not inform me of activities at school or church until after he enrolls them. There is only one time that he has given me a schedule of the activities and that one time he gave me one, there was only three games left. The kids would wait until a day or two before their visitation with me to call up and say that they either have a game or they want to do something else.
    Father is refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule or over-scheduling the children with activities so that I am not given time to visit. And temps the kids with special activities.
    Although it has been denied, the children are always to be in the room with her dad or stepmom, for example. One day I was talking to my daughter on the phone and they were not home. But step sister was, and she said she could not leave the room to talk to me or step sister would tell.
    My ex posted on Facebook back when he first got the kids that I was not involved with my kids and did not pay child support. Not only did everyone see that, so did my daughter….i phoned him and messaged him and demanded to him that he remove it.
    Father has told the kids as well as myself that daughters cleats for softball, her ball bat bag, and her duffle bag for her clothes. I helped pay for son’s football, but he decided he did not want to be in football, and I just paid over $100 for his aseball pants, cup, and new cleats.
    I had the children for a weekend in March a few years back and he would not let the children stay an extra day for their half sisters birthday party. Daughter sent me an email that I still have stating that she was mad that her dad would not let her stay. When the kids got to my house the next time, Son told me that he was upset too, and when I asked him why his dad would not let them stay, his father told him “She is not your real sister, you have different dads” He was only six when he said this but it has scarred in the back of my mind since then.
    When my daughter broker her arm, her father and step mom did not bother to call me and tell me what had happened to her. They took her to the hospital in and she was exray’ed and seen by the doctor and I was not informed of this incident until after it happened and she was on her way home. When she was to get her cast off, they did not inform me of the visit so that I could be there with her. I wanted to be with her when her cast was removed.
    I wanted to be there when my daughter got her braces removed, but he did not tell me that they were going to be removed nor did he tell me when..
    Father says I can only talk to the kids on certain days of the week including Thursdays….well Thanksgiving was on Thursday and he sent me a message that I would not get to talk to the children on Thanksgiving, although it was Thursday, but it was his year to have the kids….so I did not get to wish my kids a Happy Thanksgiving.
    Father accused me in front of my son and daughter that I put him up to saying what my son said to his father, when my son defended me saying it was not me, he spanked him.
    I have not received any school pictures of the children, and I have not been notified or given the chance to get my own. The court papers say for the father to provide all information and documents pertaining to school copied to me. I have not received ANYTHING from him.
    Step mom received letter of recommendation that my son needed Father sent it to me three days later.

    stepmom:
    Went behind my back and bought my daughters graduation dress when she and my daughter both knew that it was something special between my daughter and I that I wanted to do.
    She belittles me in the back ground while I am on the phone with the children: example, I was talking to my daughter one night on the phone and we were having a disagreement and she was mocking what I was saying, I heard her. My daughter said she was not near here but they were close enough for stepmom to hear me through the phone as I was talking to my daughter.
    The kids have informed me in the past that they are not allowed to leave the room when we talk, and now they are changing their story.
    If the kids talk to me without their knowledge, then they are punished for it.
    I phoned one night and stepmom answered the phone, I asked for kids and before I could even get please out, she said “what are you going to do, just call at their name and order them”
    Another time I phoned and stepmom answered the phone. I asked for the kids, and instead of telling them that their mom was on the phone, she said “(my name) is on the phone”. I have caught my son calling me by my first name at least three times.
    I phoned the kids one night and I was talking to son and He would not talk to me, I kept trying to find things to talk about and he would just sit there. I became silent for a moment so that I could find something else to talk about and stepmom said to my son, “Is your mom going to talk to you, or is she just going to sit there?”
    stepmom has added my children as her “Son and Daughter” and vice versa…. On facebook, and posts pictures that say “Mother and Daughter,”
    stepmom had a picture of my son on Facebook, and she posted underneath it,… “my little man”
    stepmom has been conversing with the school and not including me in as the mother.
    She has it indicated on the school registry that she is to be contacted second upon emergency and it is stated that I am not allowed to pick my kids up at school. So if there is an emergency, then I cannot pick them up. It is indicated under her name.
    Daughter broke her arm, after cast came off the Dr. said that she would need therapy on her wrist. I asked her if her dad at taken her and she no, that he did not have time to take her. Stepmom was working at the time. Step mom had told Amy daughter and her dad that she would not need therapy that she has seen this happen before and all she needed to do was get a squishy ball and squeeze it. She has no right to make a medical decision like that, nor does her father have any right to exclude me from it.
    My son is worried every time he comes over that he is not going to be dressed the way he was when he came over. He has told me numerous times that he hast to wear the same thing home that he came in.
    Step mom puts down my parenting skills and demeans me in front of my kids or in messages. When my kids were down for Christmas break, I took the whole week off without pay to stay with them. I left for the store to get my son his present and she was messaging my daughter and my son was on play station. My son was on play station too long and my daughter was complaining about it to her step mom, stepmom then said that I need to put a time limit on it and that the game is not allowed in their house. She then made the statement to my daughter “at least your mom took off for you this time”
    The children have told me many of times that stepmom is the one that makes them do things, or step mom tells dad too
    Both stepmom and dad have told the kids that if they tell me anything whatsoever, even if they are in trouble over there, that they will ground them and take computers and cell phones away. The children have told me numerous times, “we only do and say what we are suppose to so that we don’t get into trouble”
    My daughter and I were having words on the phone and I heard stepmom say in front of my kids “this is a bunch of bull shit, and father continued on letting her insult me in front of them, then finally he told her to stop and she replied “I don’t have to”
    A majority of this has occurred since he married his current wife, and some of it has happened before that. The kids have told me that stepmom tells their dad what to do, and he jumps.

    I have proof of a majority of this; some was said over the phone where I don’t have the proof. But as God as my witness, I am telling the truth…

    • Blase

      This e mail has driven me crazy. I’ve read it once again. How the father is sneaking behind your back and not allowing you to he there for critical medical and educational situations in regard to your children.

      My ex wife does the same exact thing. She put my son in day care at 8 months. I didn’t find out until after he was a year old. I’ve requested information as to where he is going to day care so I could see my son interact with other children. To be able to check out the facilities and meet the people who are caring for my son when his family members aren’t.

      These people are caregivers to my child and they are strangers to me. She doesn’t confide in me or even tell me when she has added days of day care to his weekly schedual. My son has been. In day care for over a year and a half and I still don’t know where?

      I’ve requested information about this facility and how he does there over the last year and a half. She will not share information.

      She does not tell me of anything that has to do with his health. She doesn’t let me know about the doctors appointments before or after he has gone.

      My son supposedly has allergies. She has not shared what he is allergic to with me.

      The only way I find out what is going on with my sons health is to go to his pediatrician every few months and request a release of medical records. Then I find out about some of these things way after the issue has been dealt with.

      My son has had some behaviors at day care. I’m not sure to what degree? But he told me he kicked some girls back pack. I haven’t herd anything about redirection of this behavior or what the consequences were for my son if there were any?

      My son is an angel when he is with me. But once In a while during my (unneeded supervised) visits. He said I kicked a back pack.

      So I ask her sister/ DCF supervisor and “3rd party” visitation supervisor what’s been going on. She didnt have a clue. She told me nothing specific except that he had an “issue” at day care”.

      How am I supposed to be a part of his behavior modification or redirection.

      I’ve over hear her sister saying how much he “runs the show and is put In time out. Im never told why.

      I’ve never had a issue with my son that caused a need for time out. He knows the expectations and boundaries he has with his father and rarely even entertains challenging them.

      He doesn’t yell at me nor tell me no. I here he throws fits at the dinner table if he doesn’t have his toys at the table with him. You don’t even see toys in the same room he is eating in when I have him.
      It’s not even a problem.

      My son has only cried once since he has been born because I had to establish boundaries.

      All the other times were when he had to leave visiting Me. ( it was separation anxiety.

      Screaming Daddy no daddy reaching out for me not wanting to leave me.

      My son and I communicate as good as a father and a boy under the age of 5 can possibly communicate. He knows what to expect when with me. I constantly use positive reinforcements to attain desirable behaviors thus almost eliminating and undesirable behaviors.

      When I call his house to talk to him on the phone. He’s always taking naps. although I’m told by my ex sister inlaw he doesn’t take naps anymore.

      He lives with his grandmother and grandfather and supposedly his mother is there too?

      They don’t know I have been told he doesn’t nap. But will tell me he is sleeping and I can hear him in the background. I’ll ask when should I call. They will give me a window that they know I most likely won’t be able to call but I call anyway.

      My son loves to talk with me. He would talk about 20 minutes to a half hour minimal.

      I can hear my ex wife or mother in law in the background whispering to him after only a couple minutes “say bye daddy”

      They are coaching him to hang up on me, they try to get him to end the conversation early but or take the phone from him to hang up. I’ve herd the struggling of them jerking the phone from him and he refusing to give it up.

      So they can cut our conversation short.

      My child is so young. He doesn’t understand all that is rite and wrong. They try to stress him out and control our conversation. It’s all to manipulate it into a stressful experience for him so he won’t want to talk to me.
      These people are criminals. Your ex husband is a child abuser and criminal. The court may never see it that way? But what our ex’s are doing is child abuse. No it doesn’t leave black and blue marks.

      But it leaves scars in their brains.

      I do my best to not talk about my sons mother in any kind of negative light. Even on these web pages.

      I have never said anything negative about his mother to him in fact I say things that would encouraged his love for his mother.

      I personally have no respect for that animal but what I do have respect for is my son. I’m not going to participate in the types of things she does.

      I won’t slander her he some day will see for himself. I won’t because I don’t want my child to have mommy issues. Nor do I want him to resent me, for telling me him the truth about his mother to him.

      As a responsible parent your not to talk about the other parent in a negative terms even if your respectful and truthful about it. It’s frowned upon among child psychologist, and family relations people.

      But my son is at that age where he asks questions. Can I do this? Can I do that? And if you tell him no he might say why.

      What is she going to tell my son when my son asks can I see my daddy? How come I can’t go to daddies house?

      What is she going to tell him? She can’t tell him the truth. She has no real reason. She has no reason that will satisfy my son.

      She is going to have to lie about it.

      This is where I’m having internal conflict because I refuse to slander his mother or say anything that isn’t positive.

      But I absolutely will not lie to my son if he asks why his mother won’t let him see me.

      I’m going to have to tell him to ask her, then come back and tell me what she has said and why she won’t let him see me.

      If I hear one bit of a lie in his description of the reasoning behind why she won’t allow him to see me.

      I will be getting family relations involved, DCF involved. I will attempt to sue her for deformation of character.

      • http://borntoinspire.com Dr. Barbara Rose

        Hi Blase,
        I carefully read your comments and feel your pain. I’ve experienced the same thing and know how brutally unfair it is to your child and to you.

        The best guidance I can give you is to file a motion with the court – the judge who presides over your case using *** an attorney who never lost a case in front of that judge – *** remain as calm as you possibly can while in court, and especially continue to be there for your son – forever!

        Start an online magazine “Parental Alienation” gather as many professionally written articles as you can from both parents and professionals. Stay OUT of the “system”. Case workers are so overloaded. DO NOT use a guardian ad litem – they tend to side with whoever has the money to pay them.

        You sound like a great dad and I commend you for all of the good you are doing. Sue the grandparents in court for severe intentional parental alienation – with the same judge.

        Just continue to be the best dad you can. The real truth always comes out in the end. NEVER relocate away from your child. Go to the after care center to “give a helping hand” so you can be there with your son.

        Become class Dad so you can help the teacher, go on field trips with your son. I did all of this. Stay close to his school teachers. Call him every day. Send a letter to his grandparents – filled with love and respect. They may change their tune when they see how much you care. Hi mom should be behind bars for what she is doing, but keep your focus away from his toxic mom and place it all on your son instead.

        I hope this helps you from the bottom of my heart!
        Sincerely,
        Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose

  • Eve

    I don’t know if this is Parental Alienation, but it sure feels like it. I was married to a Passive Aggressive man with strong Narcisstic tendencies. He insisted on 50-50 shared custody, even though he worked 10 hours a day and never made a lunch for our two ten year old twins. It started almost immediately with him telling them not to answer the phone because it was me. He also would pull the phone plug if I called so they would not know I was calling them. He told them do not tell your mother anything that goes on in my house and had them sneak in my home often to get clean clothes for school, without telling me. I found out about this after 9 month of it had gone by and I had locked the door before I went to work. He called furious the door was locked.

    He has also told them I have ADD and I “ruin everything”. Sadly, I have had enough of the abuse from my ex and from my twin girls who are now 17 years old. I have done everything for my girls. I taught them to swim, ride their bikes, dive off a diving board, snow ski, ride a horse, this all before we were divorced and they went to spend 7 days at a time with their dad. They seem to forget all of this, like it was not important, or means anything to them. Once we started 50-50, I could feel a change in how they looked at me and felt about me.

    I have had enough. One month before we were divorced, my ex stole all my personal scrapbooks and photo albums, many from my teenage and young adult years before I had even met him. My daughters know this is a very sensitive subject for me. Yesterday, my one twin asked me to take her to a store so she could buy a Father’s day gift for her dad. I did, as I always say yes to their requests if I can possibly do it.

    When we get home, she grabs photos that I had managed to save and starts putting them in the frame she bought for her dad. I said, “Wait, before you do that, let me go make copies of those photos, then you can put them in the frame.” She said, “NO!” I said, “Why? All I want to do is make a copy for myself, you know I love those photos and I want to make sure I have them.” She started screaming at me, ran away with the photos, told me to die, and that she hates me and called me assorted curse words.

    All she had to say was, “Sure, I’ll go with you to make the copies, or “Sure, but I need them in about two hours.” I guess my request brought up bad and painful memories, or maybe she is just a self-centered, spoiled teen……I don’t know. But, I do know this hurt me to the core. I am tired of being accommodating, agreeable, saying yes and taking them where they need and want to go, and getting kicked and stepped on for no reason. So, I told her to leave….she cannot live here and do this to me any longer. Two years ago she lived with me from Jan. to June. Her father never once told her to come to his house during that time. As soon as school was out for the summer, she went to live with him. She didn’t need me anymore to help her out during the school year. So, I am done, and I really don’t care if she comes back. I did tell her the only way she could come back would be to get me copies of the photos she took. She replied, “That’s not going to happen!”

    • JOJO

      I could have almost written this. . . .its so sad how narcissistic behavoiour of the dad transfers to the child

      My 13 yr old son is doing the same thing to me and it hurts like crazy

      You wish you could just back up the years to yesterday when they were 4 and 5 and so sweet and you were the only person in the world that mattered to Want you to know though, that one day their eyes WILL BE OPENED!

      I cant see that right now hbut i went thru the same identical thing with my older kids and they really hate their dad and what he did and their step dad too as he was a part of it. Hang in there!

      JOJO

    • Blase

      I don’t have 2 tween age daughters so I’m not at liberty to discuss how they have reacted to their unfortunate situation, and yes Ms. You may be a victim of PAS. You do have the rite to have those sentimental photos if they are personal to you? You should have copies.

      Unfortunately our children are the biggest victims in all of this and even though we are hurt. We can not allow our personal feelings about certain behavior from our children, and our ex husbands and wives dictate our better judgement as parents.

      I do have add maybe some of that did have a part of the demise of my relationship with my ex wife? Maybe I wasn’t addressing my symptoms to the extent I needed too? But she was fully aware of my condition prior to our involvement.
      She was compassionate for the first few years of my involvement when she was in school for occupational therapy. I think my condition was more of a model of study for her sensory integration theories? She definitely wasn’t as blind to my condition as she became over the past few years of our relationship.

      She, either forgot some of her skills in helping me with my add and some of her understanding? Or she grew tired of my unorganized patterns of certain things In life?

      She too has used my add against me in court, suggesting it could affect my ability to parent our child. When add is directed in a healthy way the energy and multi tasking actually is an asset to parenting and other big jobs we have in life. At times it could also be a problem with organization? That’s why we put systems in place to help us remind our selves our daily priorities and tasks.

      As far as you giving up on your twin daughters. I respectfully disagree with you in that matter. You can’t allow your self to play the role of a victim in their eyes. I believe they may resent you more.

      Teenagers love to play parents against each other in “perfect situations” ( where both parents are together and have great loving relationships). Plus they are twin daughters they will duplicate each others behavior and mirror each others thoughts and emotions more than any other combination of sibling type. It’s just how teenage girls are, plus the connection that all twins have that the rest of us never have.

      You must keep your self healthy and happy and you can’t allow your children to use you and abuse you, that is for sure. But you have to understand they have been used and abused possibly by their father to wage mental warfare against you, if what you say is true? ( I have no reason to not believe anything you have told me)

      It’s very unfortunate when a person we gave our life and soul to uses our individual weaknesses or imperfections as fuel to fan the fire of their desires to see us suffer out of spite of a broken relationship.

      It’s most unfortunate when one of the parents are using the children to spitefully get at the other parent. It is disgusting, its cowardly, It’s abusive to all parties ( THE CHILDREN, THE OTHER PARENT, THE COURT SYSTEM.) except for the abuser them selves.

      All I can say is if you have money. Try to get a child psychologist involved and a custody attorney. Talk to every single person that will listen to heighten awareness of PAS.

      The court gives it almost no attention except in cases of extremely intense well documented abuse that is prooveable, with backing evidence.

      PAS is a horribly condition a sickness. It is Narcisstic, and borderline pathological, sociopathic behavior. The parent who controls and manipulates their children’s mind to see the other parent in a negative light gets kicks off of it.

      They don’t care who gets hurt as ling as the other parent hurts too.

      This is a crime and form of abuse that the court allows and enables to some degree, They aren’t psychologists and take the word of the parent who is either the custodial parent or the more financially fit parent.

      A person with more income potential or just more money period does not equate to a more stable minded and emotionally appropriate individual.

      They court looks at money as a stabilization tool because the child can go to school in the same district. They don’t have to worry about moving around, the parent with more is a better provider of food and material things providing geographical stability and material stability more easily.

      They dont take mentall stability into consideration if they do they look at the person who has been diagnosed with add as unfit or unstable. Not the undiagnosed Narcissitic, brain washing parent as unstable.

      A child’s mind and what it thinks feels and is exposed to is what security and stability it needs the most. Shelter and food are important, extremely important as well as education.

      But in Africa kids grow up on rice in mud huts and do just fine. The greatest teachers In our children’s lives aren’t at day care or in school. It is us the parent, if they learn how to be emotionally manipulative from their mother or father?, that’s what they will become and start to do.

      So don’t blame your daughters. Don’t punish them for their ill willed father. Try to understand them and help them.

      Talk to people and therapist whit PAS. its our Job to slowly bring awareness. Don’t hate your self or your sick husband the kids will see and feel it and have resentment.

      Just fight through it so you can look back and say with no regret you did everything you could every day to be the best mom that those girls needed. If you don’t succeed you may feel hurt? But you wont live with regret.

      And hopefully years down the road they will see what you have done and what your ex has done as young women. They will be the final judges of this whole matter.

      As teenage girls though you can not measure their actions as your worth as a parent. They can not dictate your involvement and concerns. Stay proactive. Don’t be spitfull even though it feel impossible.

      Stay strong, always love them and always tell them that. Always be there for them.

      The only reason they go to their dad during the summer is because he gives them what they want not what they need. When they grow up they will see that mom was their every time they needed something.

      They wont think that of their dad. He’s only good for their desires not their needs or none of this would be happening.

      Keep the fight for your children alive. Don’t fight with anyone fight for them.

      Thank you kindly,
      Blase Burdick

  • Eve

    JoJo and Blase………Thank you for your responses. Jojo….How old were your children when they realized what happened and liked you again?

    Blase…….My daughter came by today because she and her sister are leaving with their dad on Thursday for a week vacation. I told her I wanted to make up and put this behind us and that I love her. She said, “It’s not going to happen….move out of my way.” But, you have encouraged me to stay the course, and I will! Thank you!

  • joehope

    I have done a tremendous amount of research on PAS beginning when my son turned 8. He is now 11. That is when the first false accusation was made by his Mom. Seven more false accusations followed in a 13 month period! ALL were, embarrassingly, investigated by Police, DCF, Social workers. ALL were UNFOUNDED. The first was extremely difficult for me. SEXUAL ABUSE !!! How discusting! It was alledged by his mom that I touched him as he took a shower. Totally twisted on purpose. My Lawyer, $3000 dollars, had her crying on the stand as she stumbled over her lies. Anyway there is much to this and I have discussed it on this site. I just wanted to know if my son will learn of what his Mom has caused when he gets older? I have all the court papers, DCF reports etc to show how I fought for him. We were so great together. He loved me and at the early stages he stopped saying he loved me and even asked me a couple times if I loved him. Boy she really brain washed him. I swear to God that PAS is a real and destroyes a child relationship with the alienated parent. I have not seen him for 15 months.

  • Eve

    Why have you not seen your son in 15 months? Your ex must follow the court order and the settlement and follow what you settled on for parenting time. What did the settlement say as far as when you would have your son? If it says nothing, go back to court, represent yourself if you cannot afford a lawyer, and ask for time with your son.

    • joehope

      Thanks for responding Eve.
      It’s such a long interesting story, short of it, I grew up with no Father and always wanted to have a son to love and give all the things that I missed out on. I married after serving in the Navy where I enlisted at 17. I was a shy kid with low self asteem and my Mom had just enouph money to pay the bills. My wife and I had good jobs, bought a house and then bad news hit when she could not have children. She went down hill and we divorced. I met a colombian girl and things were well for a year then real girl arrived. Narcisistic with no concern for NOBODY ! I slowly broke it off being she was trying to control me. At the end she told me she was pregnant, yes it is mine, tested. She married some guy for citizenship. She made it so difficult for me to be with my son. She used him as a weapon. We then had joint custody with a visitation plan. My child support came directly out of my pension check. She made many excuses why I would not be able to have my son on my weekend etc. ALL the thing associated with PAS right down to the serious stages of false accusations. A gal became involved and suggested supervised visits? I told him that would be awful for my son to go through and besides I have done nothing to do that. One judge authorized a parent study as he did detect alienating was obvious. However the Family Court mediator did NOTHING regarding the study. She just wanted to move us along without investigating the real problem. I cried as she told me her outcome which was actually believing his Mom lies. Anyway it’s too much too write. Believe me everything above is true and I am not using PAS for excuses! I stopped calling my son a few months ago after he told me, “I got to go” as soon as I said hello. The Mom watches over him and I guess he gets frustrated and hangs up. She is so wiched! I am going to Court next month,

  • Eve

    Good! Go to court and start having parental time with your son. He is still young enough at 11 and 12 where he will look up to his dad. You will have a lot of influence if you play it right. Do not bad-mouth his mom or her family. Let your son see by YOUR ACTIONS what a great person and father you are. I would try to find out what he likes to do and then do it with him. Baseball? Play catch with him and go to a batting range…..maybe also to a pro or semi pro game…..tickets are cheap to the semi-pro games. Is he into skateboarding? Take him to a skateboard park, try it with him….if you date….wear a helmet! Or get him some lessons from a skateboard shop….they usually give skateboard and surfing lessons……You can watch, maybe take a lesson yourself or one together……..Fishing?……get to the shore or a lake, rent a rowboat and fish or crab! In other words, at 11 and 12, he is still probably very up for doing things with his dad. And that will do more for creating good memories and making him feel good about you and wanting to spend time with you again than anything else. At the same time, it will dispell the myths he may have hear about you not caring or not wanting to spend time with him.
    Your best bet to get him to see how much fun you are and how you care about him, is to get active with him! Do not expect much at first…..your actions will speak louder than words.

    • joehope

      Hello Eve, Thanks again for your input. I did many things with him. I tought him golf, he swings the club like a pro. I tought him baseball and was just starting to teach him how to pitch because the coach on his team just puts him in the outfield. I gave him confidance with praise for how well he pitched to me. I know how to instill confidance and teach him things. We always wentr fishing and caught his first fish with me, a snapper. He casted the line well. He even caught a big bluefish. We allways went fishing and play golf. I joined a hotel resort and we went swimming etc. Went to florida and rented a mustang he wanted. The Mom refused to allow him to go to religion instructions for a sense of the bible etc. I tought him about the catholic religeon. Well, as best I could because he seemed upset a while go over how his friend was telling him about his bible class. He also started learning the guitar because I played. We REALLY HAD THIS CONNECTION TOGETHER. She and her korean husband were actually jelous. Also I treated his Mom great and even praised her att times to build her up . I tried to be friends with her and her husband but evertime they would see me they would look at me as if I was dirt and no goosd. In front of my son!

  • Eve

    PS I would also call him at least once a week, no matter what his response is. Try to ask him what he is doing and then expand on that, even if he just says riding my bike or playing video games. Ask him what his favorite game is or what is the longest bike ride he ever took. I taught fourth grade for years……..know a little about the 10 to 12 year old mind set!

  • Eve

    PSS……I meant…..If you DARE, wear a helmet!

    • joehope

      Hello again Eve,
      Just a funny thought, “If you date, wear a helmet.”
      I thought several things on what that may have meant before you corrected it. One was, maybe Eve meant to wear protection when dating girls so I can be certain not to pregant someone.
      Thanks again for your knid responses.

  • Eve

    Joehope………So, you KNOW what to do! Get to court and get some parenting time and start doing fun things together again!

  • Kate

    My boyfriends ex wife is practicing this i believe. She is not letting him visit her or see her at all even though we have sent multiple requests over email, text and Facebook. Now she has issued verbal death threats about me getting beat up or killed if I were to try to get their daughter to call me mommy. She had never met nor talked to me yet and made these threats to my boyfriend. Now she also wants us to babysit their daughter for 4 days before we can take her home for one week. We would do that in a heartbeat…if she didn’t live 12 hours away in Colorado where we live in Texas. With death threats being issued I’m not too wild about having to meet this chick. Can I file a restraining order and how would that look on us/her in the middle of a custody case?

  • Eve

    Verbal death threats will be a she said, I said scenario. You would need proof of some kind. You should not do anything without getting the court to make a custody arrangement so your boyfriend has his daughter at a regular and specific time each week, or each month, since he lives so far from his child. It may be wise for him to move nearer to his daughter.
    His daughter should not call you mommy or mom because you are not her mother, so hopefully you have not been doing that and will not do that anyway.
    So, the first thing is to go to court and get a legal custody arrangement, so your boyfriend will be held to parent his child at a specific time each month. He should definitely consider living closer if he wants to see his child grow up and be a part of her life. And, I would think, if he is going to continue to live in another state, it is going to cause big problems with her mom. I would not want my 4 or 5 year old going 12 hours away to stay with her dad and a woman I did not know anything about. But, then, I would not want her to see her dad going into a bedroom or waking up with a woman he was not married to. I do not know your situation, I am just saying what I would not be happy with for my daughter.

    • Kate

      Well heres some more detail. She lived with her boyfriend without letting my boyfriend meet or talk to him first. I have no problems meeting her and have texted her to at least hold a conversation and let her get to know me. I clearly stated I have no intention of telling her child to call me mom and actually would discourage it.

      We do have a recording of the threats being made. This wouldn’t be the first time she would be sent to Texas either. She was here for 2 months until February and that was the last time he saw his daughter. Developmentally at that time she was also behind. His ex wife also previously had a child taken by cps for abandonment and neglect.

      We are worried about his daughters well being overall with the given history and with the issued threats. I am a child development major myself and hope that could help her get a little more up to speed with teaching her and such.

  • In your shoes

    Sad and Alone,
    After reading your post on here I shivered several times due to our situations being so very similar. My ex and I have joint custody and he was appointed residential due to at the time of our divorce I was moving out of state. The only reason I moved from KY to MI was to try and start over, I didnt want to leave my kids I just wanted to get away from him and his controlling ways. The day I left him he pulled his 9MM on me in front of our children. I of course called the cops who allowed me to leave with our girls (they were 1 yr and 6 yr old then) to my boyfriend’s house (I have married him shortly after and am still with him) he had me arrested in front of the girls one evening while we still lived in the same town because he smelled alcohol and i had only had one beer which yes is my fault but I was far from intoxicated and it was still fresh on my breath so I registered at legal limit and was forced to stay overnight in the county jail. Since then (this was 5 yrs ago our divorce was final in 2008) I couldnt bare to be so far from my children so moved to TN only 350 mi vs the 600 mi and last year my husband and I moved even closer and are now 100 miles away. Currently my ex has recently remarried and has put me through hell since. Between the badmouthing of me and my husband on facebook, to our faces in front of our girls. A new facebook pages was created for our 11 yr old and I am blocked from it. Whenever I post things on her other one they are deleted. He is not allowing me to even call the girls and we agreed verbally on Sundays and Thursdays. He has told me the girls dont want to speak to me which I know is not true they were crying right along with me at the school that day last week. I had to go to the school after finding out that my information was not even down as an emergency contact and the school was so caring to me after explaining what has been going on I was even able to have lunch with my girls. I did not bash myex or his new wife while at lunch wit them I simply apolgized for everything that was going on and I loved them and to hang in there with me everything would work out. I hate not having any contact with my daughters not knowing or being educated about school things, doctor’s appts etc. I have brought that to his attn and he states it is my responsibility to know and/or find out. Um hello I am not a mindreader. Anyhow long story short I have touched based with my lawyer in KY who did our divorce & custody. I am modifiying custody or trying to at least and if I am able I will try to gain full custody. i dont want to take them from him he is a good father but this alienating them from me over a few simple mistakes is craziness! I totally relate to the concerns and feelings of everyone in this forum going through this.

  • kansas grandmother

    my son has not seen his child for over a month, childs mother is hiding out in a big city, and on her face book she keeps saying that the child has a diffrent dad, its killing my son, what happend to the laws protecting our children, i have never been so dissapointed in the way our country protects our children, they protect children from other county’s better, shame on you usa laws protect your own children

  • Carnelian

    In alaska

    My fiancé and I been together for 8 years and he has a wonderful 9 year old daughter who is moving to Oregon next week with her biological mother. She was 6 months old when her mother moved away and didn’t want to be in her life at the time when she was a baby. So I wanted to be in her life as kind of a positive role model/mother figure since her mother didn’t want to play the role. From that moment on I thought of her as my own. 6 years later, her mother finds me on “MySpace” which was surprising and she was asking me how she was doing and it seemed as if she was interested in wanting to be in babygirls life again. So she talks to me and asks about her for about 2 weeks and one day she comes into town, saying she wants to meet her baby and wants to be apart of her life again. Her father and I thought and talked about it, thinking “maybe she changed her life around?” So we met up and babygirl seemed confused and scared and 6 years old at the time. Not knowing that that’s her biological mother. She asks if she can have her spend the night at their relatives house. Then asks if she can spend a week, then it became a couple weeks. At that time she asks for the important papers( birth certificate/ss card) and then she was telling us “she’s going to live with me and my boyfriend.” My fiancé had that sad look like “oh no”. Right away she puts him on child support when she applied for public assistance for food stamps. She and her boyfriend refuses to work and has been living off of my fiancés paychecks because he works. She’s been with them for 4 going on 5 years. They don’t let her call. She calls her boyfriend “daddy” and spanks/disciplines her when we disapprove of it. She says we have to be the ones to call. My fiancé went to see some attorneys here and they told him there’s nothing you can do but fill out a visitation schedule and that the mother has more rights than the father because the judges favor Alaska native women. I honestly don’t know what to do to help my fiancé. I hate to see him sad all the time when we visit babygirl. It seems like everytime shes in a good mood she lets her visit or talk to us. We don’t even know If she’ll keep her word and not give us her new number when she moves. :( what do we do?

  • TIRED,NOT GIVING UP

    I am too overwhelmed to share my story. its been 13 years dealing with P.A.S. but haven’t seen my boys since 2006 and 2010 and im still fighting. I am looking for my 4th Attorney and I want one that specializes in P.A.S. in the Phoenix/Gilbert Arizona area. Maybe a good psychiatrist/psychologist too.Help! :'(

  • palm tree

    This woman story needs to be HEARD there are problems that other mother’s who stay at home to raise there children and are losing them and there homes and any sort of income to provide for these children for a BIAS judge who is making calls that are not in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN.
    I Need Advice on how to handle this situation, I need to know how and what can be done. If someone would please take this case into consideration, recently my dear friend just got divorced, and I’m trying to help her in any way I can, because it is so unfair. Because this is an outrage that a mother who gave birth to these 2 young children has to suffer like this, where is the JUSTICE IN THIS. I recently sat in a court room observing a relocation case. This divorce dragged on for 3 years and after 2 years of standing before a judge the mother was kicked out of her home along with the father of 2 minor children. This case had no domestic violence, no drug or abuse or any other negligence. This case was nothing but VICIOUS EX-HUSBAND SEEKING REVENGE ON HIS FORMER WIFE AND TRYING TO ALIENATE THE 2 YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HER. The mother whom was a stay at home mom for 7 years of marriage went before a judge to obtain residential custody and after 3 years was throw out on the street with no job, no health insurance, no car, and no savings, and no money while losing residential custody to a man who makes over $100,000 a year and played the sympathy card of being daddy of the year. It was later found out that the judge allegedly could have been BIAS to the case due to his own Personnel Situations. This JUDGE has no RESPECT for stay at home moms or tolerance for keeping accurate notes during the testimonies given because his decisions are always in favor of the men. Plus, her ex- husband was going around the house with a tape recorder tapeing her and harassing her in front of the children, getting her upset. Is this normal for her ex- husband to have residential custody of these children, Plus this man WIRE TAPPED the phone to get all the info (OF COURSE HE WORKS WITH COMPUTER’S AND HE’S A SUCCESSFUL GENIUS) if she was talking to her lawyer or a family member and a minor also was talking on the phone with his grandparents he knew everything that was going on. So he was one step ahead of contacting his lawyer. This is a FEDERAL OFFENSE. And if she would send a text message to her ex- husband in regards to the children he changed all the wording. (cut and paste) THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW. This is very important, that this ex-husband WIRETAPPED the house phone and gets away with this. JUSTICE should be served. Also, when you put your hand on the BIBLE to tell the truth and only the truth you tell the truth but this man put his hand on the bible and he lies and lies and had his friends lied also for him, and the courts believed him. PLEASE, IS THIS JUSTICE FOR THE WOMAN AND CHILDREN? This mother had a well know attorney with no criminal record, her only crime was being a LOVING NURTURING MOTHER who was there 24/7 for her children, that spent the last 7 years raising her children. A judge who could recommend cutting out food and therapy for the children vacations and utilities by living in a one bedroom shack that was provided for the mother to live with her small children through the COURTS RECOMMENDATION while the father remains in the residential home in a 5 bedroom 3 ½ bath THIS JUDGE SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE BENCH. Plus, the residential home is in foreclosure is this the way to raise 2 young children. Her ex -husband has residential custody. Sorry to say, this case had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING to do with the BEST INTEREST OF THESE CHILDREN, NOTHING, It had to do what was the best interest of an ex- husband who had ENOUGH MONEY TO CONVINCE THE JUDGE AND HIS LAWYER. Something needs to be done to this respect. Even her lawyer did not fight for her which is a real shame. Is there anything or someone that could at least help? Justice really needs to be heard. ESPECIALLY FOR WIRETAPPING.

    • civiccoconut

      So many judges are not making decisions in the best interest of the children. I have also had PAS. We all need to start fighting back and reporting these judges and lawyers to their state bar associations. Then we all need to fight against the departments that are making psychiatric decisions without professional licensing in psychiatry or psychology. That man is the same as the one I dealt with–a mental abuser. Also try the local law university. Students must help work cases voluntarily.

    • cg

      I am in this exact position currently. I am a stay at home mother of a 19 mo old. Please let me know what is going on with this case and any help you can offer. I lost everything I have in the last 6 months. My husband lied under oath to the court several times and the judge asks for no proof. He has alienated me from our child. He told court our son has a learning deficit and he needs to be in full time school. The court approved to let him do this. Our son has no learning deficit. My husband has control over my possession time of 50%, who allows this? My husband lied to court that I was a drug addict, alcoholic and now he is saying I am crazy. I have passed all tests. I do not have any substance abuse problems. My son cannot say mama anymore, he can no longer speak any words he used to. Now all he says is dada. I am 44 yrs old, this is my first baby. My husband will not share information or coparent and he twists it to make it look like its my fault. My son is taken care of by my husband’s ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend during my possession time when he is supposedly in school. My husband works full time and hardly spends time with our son. I have no control. I am on my 3rd attorney and all they want is money. I spend over 10k a month on legal. This last week alone cost me 7500.00. I cannot spend 28k a month on legal at this rate. Nothing happens in my case, it just gets worse. I was kicked out of the house I put 25k down on, husband sold and he was awarded proceeds. They gave him 27k of my bank account. I have been ordered to pay his legal fees and children support, I haven’t worked in 2.5 years. They took my car because they said he was getting it repossessed, only to see that his girlfriend drives it now. They cancelled my health insurance. Judge never gives reason for her orders. she simply doesn’t like me. The guardian ad litem says she is concerned about my behavior, how am I supposed to act, I am distraught without my baby over lies. Judge and psych evaluator claim someone is lying and is committing perjury. Yes, I know, it is my husband. I have proof of all his lies, she doesn’t care. Please help me. The money I have left I need to spend on a jury trial, however, the attorney has up the charge for that now. Where does this kind of injustice stop? Please give me any advice you can. What state are you in?

    • jana

      It has been 6 years of putting up with parental alienation syndrome for me I too have been alienated from my daughter…. Please its hard but you havet continue fighting, the same thing happened to me, everything the same….

  • seth

    My son is 5 1/2 years old and his mother started dating a guy before our son was born. She has our son refer to him as daddy or dad and I have been called my other daddy or even by my first name by my child. She was told by the judge that she needs to stop and that was 1 1/2 years ago but it still happens.

    • nubegris26

      hi seth my name is Paola. How is your case going? any improvement?

      • seth

        Not yet. I am taking my sons mom to court for custody soon. First I have to get all my information stating why and take it to my attorney. I have so many different types that work in my favor from the day my son was born. I hope with all these different things that I will be awarded custody since my son is in my best interest. My sons mom only uses him to upset me and has from day one. I need lots of luck since Illinois usually caters to women having custody so it will definitely be an uphill battle but definitely worth it.

        • missboo

          My stepdaughters mother died when she was a baby, grandparents took over, made her call her mum, we tried to stop it, them attempt to alienate, most of the time succeed, tried to get her to call grandad dad as well. She’s now 11, still calling her mum, still got full custody and we are still trying to enforce the contact we barely won. She should never of been given joint custody or guardianship in the first place. Good luck :)

    • Anonymous

      I would go to the boy friend and ask him to direct their attention. My children’s father had me waiting at the park for about 5 hours he had promised a play date with the children. He never showed up after we sat their all day with picnic basket, basket ball and all sorts of things to do. WE enjoyed our day but after it was over, since he lived within 2 miles of the park we went to his house. He was there and the children were able to sit with him for a short time to talk and see him. I then took the time to communicate with his girlfriend who was also their how important it is for them to see their dad. I also wanted to know what it here intention to take away the time he spends with them, so not to discourage him but was she encouraging him. She said was encouraging him but yet he stood us up on the play date. After that my children never saw their father again until the day of their graduation and never again after that until the death of their aunt. I encourage them to love and forgive not to hate and hold grudges. Their father is almost like a movie they’d rather not watch but when it’s seen its viewed with happiness and then its over.

    • SweeteralsothanHuniii

      i feel you…Im sorry

  • nubegris26

    Hello my name is nubegris i am going through the same problem. it has been since i saw my two children. But i keep thinking that there is nothing the last for a hundred years. i just want you all to know that we have to have faith! everything will be known. i know it is not easy but prayers are powerful. that’s what i do everyday. children forget easily. time is what matters. if one of you still able to see your children. hug them, kiss them. let them feel the love that you have for them. they know!! sure they do. Do not pay attention what the other parent does. worry about what you offer to your children. and for those that can’t see their children just wait that justice will come.

  • nubegris26

    sorry i meant to say two years since i saw my children

  • Sue

    Is there any mothers rights lawyers?

  • Skeptical Jane

    What bothers me about every discussion I read on this issue is that there seems to be no acknowledgement that a child can become alienated from a parent not because they were coached or brainwashed, but simply because the parent they have alienated against did bad, wrong things, continues to do bad, wrong things, and/ or shows a lack of love to the child. Granted, a lot of these PAS pages are trying to sell something, usually to men, probably because 1 they tend to be the ones who get the short end of the stick in custody battles and 2 they have the money to buy whatever is being sold, whereas the women in these situations generally do not. However, the lack of any reality based evaluation not only makes it hard to know when it’s really happening and really needs to be addressed, it makes it impossible when you happen to be the parent of an alienated child and you know full and well the other parent has earned their ire, independently of how you were treated by that person, to know what to say or do. It seems that if Susie hates daddy because he smacked her around, was mean to her, didn’t really care about her, and then abandoned her and mommie for some other woman, well then, Susies’ mother must be mentally deranged or even a monster if Susie hates daddy… but really, what human being, I don’t care if they are 6 or 60, wouldn’t? I also don’t think the way this PAS system is evolving is fair to kids in general… it seems to rely on the argument that no child is capable of independent thought, no child understands right and wrong, and even no child *really* knows when they are hurt physically or emotionally. Listen to the children. They tend to be a lot more honest and aware than we want to believe.

    • SweeteralsothanHuniii

      Im sorry , but you apparently have not had your very own flesh and blood RIPPED from you,…or KEPT from you or your parents and siblings , holiday after holiday after holiday…have you??? Didnt think so!!! You havent had your child kept from you during your summer vacation….havent had your very heart ripped from your soul because your childrens other parent …other half of their dna told them that this half of their dna was worthless. Wear our shoes and i can guarantee 100 percent that you will change your story because theres nothing like grieving for your child when they are still alive!

    • anonymous child advocate and p

      Your response demonstrates the exact type of thinking that leads to unnecessary alienation. Your response reflects an inflexibility, that is, a”black or white”, “right or wrong”, “good or bad ” manner in which you view the world, a view that has potential to cause a great deal of harm. the ability to think beyond face value, to consider situations from several aspects, understanding another person’s experience, motives, beliefs and values is the essence of emotional health and security. It is first learned in childhood, if this thought patter is consolidated, research supports, the child will likely established emotional security and therefore able to work through life’s challenges. When a child thinks in black and white terms after the age of 5, the opportunity is missed. Children even in severely abusive situations will long for the parents love and affection and will continue to do anything in their power to attain the love. With PAS, not severe abuse cases, the healthy natural reaction would be to continue loving the parent, only the fear of loss of love from the other parent can scare him enough to internalize the parents hatred and consequently lose any chance he has for establishing his own identity. The establishment of an identity that is yours, separate from the parent, is a developmental milestone absolutely essential for the more complex form of the I speak of above. Parental conflict is complex, requires complex thought and the best you can do for a child is protect then from your insecure hatred toward the other and give him the space to form his own opinions that are based on many many factors, ot just black or white.

  • SuPaStAr

    I just got my parenting plan back and they sided with the abusive parent saying I brainwashed my 15, 16, and 17 year old teens…THIS IS CRAZY. My ex paid for the evaluation, so naturally they sided with him. I may now lose my kids to him HELP!!!

  • Jacksdad

    I have joint custody of my son and everything was going well for the past 4 years since our last custoday battle until three weeks ago. My 11yr olds mother and I got in a disagreement on where he should go for middle school next year, which I have final decision on in our custody order. Three days later she refuses my visitation and has been picking him up at school early. A day later comes the call from the police investigator that she had filed abuse charges against me saying my son was scared of me and twising facts from our last visitation. I had made a statement to him that if he got his shoes dirty I was gonna kill him (a figurative speech) and now I have spoken to two police departments, DSS, and had to hire a lawyer for another contempt hearing. this is now the 4th time in 10 years she has made accusations that are determined to be unfounded. by the time we get to court it will be almost 2 months since I will have had visitation with my son that I am supposedto have half the time. He is now telling people he is scared of me, when I saw him last he told me he loved me and couldnt wait till the next weekend.

  • Shelly

    My husbands ex wife has spread lies about me to my child’s school to her children’s school, to anyone who will listen to her garbage. Finally I have distanced and detached from the situation. And now that I have detached, we never see his children. ( I was the one trying to get them – for my husband) but with his ex wife making false allegations, spreading lies about me, even impersonating me unfavorably in a blog. I have had enough. I stepped back and let my husband deal with her. Because of everything that has happened, I can’t stand getting his younger son. (12 years old). The son has been brainwashed by the mother, to hate me. So when he is at our home, things feel uncomfortable and awkward. My daughter who use to get along with my husbands son, even keeps her distance now, because if the child’s bitterness towards us. The ex wife has done anything she could to cause us problems. It’s been so stressful. I just don’t know how to deal anymore. My husbands daughter on the other hand doesn’t listen to her mothers lies, the daughter is easy going and well balanced. I actually enjoy her being here as she helps out and isn’t needy, and doesn’t make things uncomfortable. I hate that I feel this way about my husbands son tho. It really has more to do with my husbands ex wife than the children. I know when we have to pick up my husbands kid, the ex is going to make it is as difficult as possible. So I rather not even have to deal with it. Not to mention when he gets here everything is weird. It’s not a family setting. It’s like my husband tries so hard to make his son happy, but his son mopes around. He says he is bored. So the entire time my husband is killing himself trying to entertain his bitter son. I hate seeing my husband bend over backwards for his child who treats him like dirt and seems ungrateful for everything. The son doesn’t know the truth about his mother. That she had the affair, she married the man she was cheating with. He doesn’t know that his mother sends his father hateful mean text messages and has harassed, stalked and spread rumors about me and his dad. We refuse to talk bad about my husbands ex wife to the children, even though she is trashing us to them. I’m just sick of the situation. I been with my husband 6 years and his ex wife is still trying to make life unbearable for us. I’m pretty convinced she is a sociopath or narcissist. I just wish she would leave us Alone. She has alienated the children from us. I’m at the point where I don’t care. I don’t care if we get his kids or not…

  • CHRIS

    CAN I PICK MY DAUGHTER UP FROM SCHOOL TAKE HER TO LUNCH THEN BRING HER BACK WITH NO LEGAL PROBLEMS THERE IS NO CUSTODY ORDER

  • Renee

    I have a child who is now 14 years old, I am the mother I was 17 when I had the child and I was not capable of living on my own and supporting myself and my parents would not let me live with them. My sons father and I filed a joint motion when he was only 10 months old to make the father the legal custodian. Since then life has been hell. My sons father regularly refuses to allow me to have my son for months on end. We have been to court at least 5 times for this.
    The court has never determined that the father is alienating the child against me; but now I have facebook evidence and text messages of obvious alienation against me. My sons girlfriend posted on Facebook that she was going to sit down with my son and his step mom to tell him all the terrible things I did to him when he was a baby and the real reason my son was taken from me. None of this is true. The terrible thing is that my son and I were very close, I go to all of his football games, (dad and step mom dont), We talk about everything, and we share a lot of the same interests but now my son says that he doesn’t want to see or talk to me or atleast his dad says that that is how my son feels because they will not actually let him talk to me, and they even blocked me from calling his cell phone or emailing him on facebook. They ware terrible people and I hope that this time I can save my child. I feel awful for him.

  • Miss Anonymous

    Together the father went to court regarding DNA testing for our twin daughters. The father contested the fact that I named him as the father on their birth certificate and records. The court’s DNA test result proved he was the father. After the court findings, he harassed me so much to gain custody of the twins and succeeded within a court where my parental rights were terminated. Last week he passed away due to heart failure. The children now have no legal parent. I obtained an attorney who does understand the level of my desire to gain the legal right to my children. Since they terminated my rights, they children were not to have been in my care or have visitations with me; however, their choice was to. Now they are 14, we went to court to ask how they might petition to the court their desire to reside with me. The court said to lie about our bond and relationship and where they currently reside. I have been taking care of them and assisting in their care prior to their fathers demise but they asked the children and me to lie so to not upset the court’s process regarding seeking guardianship for them. I went to DHS also to ask for direction. They also indicated, “lie….we’ll just say they are currently residing with…..and we’ll close the case.” But the fact of the matter is, they are being cared for, they are safe, I maintain health care coverage for them and feed and cloth them, I take them to school and have assisted in their education, I have done all this despite the court’s decision to terminated my rights. They were only 5 when PS took them away and I feel their pain and now their father is deceased. He passed on August 10, we sought help on the 12th, PS came out on the 18th not a week later to see if they were alright. My thing is they surely know how to tear up struggling families at the worst times in our economy but the State does not know how to give back, put things back, in the way in which they require the same from families.

  • Miss Anonymous

    After PS took my children at age 5 to now. My visits and time with them have always at their will, what it was they wanted and how they want things to go. My twin girls resided with their grandmother who was the guardian but the father took up residence with his mother, so he coached them a lot about different things. Most of the things I would buy them, clothing, the grandmother would trash; clothing that came from sears. The shoes they wore but most of the time they would complain, they were ugly or old lady style. I purchased several computers, tablets and other electronics, that would get destroyed in one week of their purchase. These were things they would ask me to get for their schooling that I would waste money on and after the 5th tablet at a cost of $99 each, I had to stop. Their behavior was mixed. If I asked them to pick up something they’d throw on the floor, they would laugh and say, “…I don’t have to listen to you…” I found these were things they were being told by an older person in the family and rightly they didn’t have to listen to me but I explained, “…what if I gave up and didn’t have to do the things I do with you, movies, park, lunch or shopping….” hearing this they apologized and did the right things. It’s not their fault and I didn’t treat it as such and I didn’t give up because their behavior is important especially to succeed as adults and to become successful in their endeavors. They listen and so do I. The court system in Michigan will have to reunify my family after a struggling economy and an ugly custody case terminated our relationship because it the right thing to do. Otherwise they would be no better than the drug dealer, thieves and addicts who contribute to the statistics that make it hard for families when struggle hits home.

  • Leigh Anna Yarborough

    I need help my husband has took away my son and got court order that I can’t see him and all I did was pop him how well do judges list in when this is going on

  • Gina Wolflover

    My estranged husband is currently living with a married woman – the two of them have done everything in there power to alienate, provoke, and belittle me in the eyes of our daughter. He will yell at me, say or do inappopriate things – in regards to her care. And then state directly to the child – “Your mother is the only one that fires/angers me up.” He will yell at me-because I got a plumber for my mother without consulting him. They manipulate and confuse the child. He will say “Mommy is the only one that fires/angers” me up. They will deliberately do things such as hobbies etc -so the child will come home and say “You can’t do this or teach me that – because now _________is.” The girl will hear I am taking her for a girls day to get her hair styled- and con the child into cutting her hair short. If I do her nails-the girl gets a bold color and covers it. He has the child thinking anyone we-family or friends refer to in conversation-like saying how lousy a driver is for cutting me off-is meaning her father. The child will say to not talk about Daddy that way. And we try and explain-we are not talking about him-we are talking about the guy who just cut mommy off etc. He sends this strange girl to pick our daughter up from me. And I was told-I do not have to give her over-as it is not him. It is his time with her-and he should get her. Recently, I was told to just grab the kid, put her in the car and let them stand there talking or whatever-since it empowers them to make me sit there trying to get them to stop there abusive or manipulative behavior. I am going to do this-as I can change what I do- to try and protect the child from alienation of either of us-and from behaviors.

  • AlienIlluminati

    I’ll say this. I took my childs mother to court before my daughter was born and got 50/50 custody. They rarely do that, but I showed them proof of how she was trying to get me to sign over my parental rights, and she was going to adopt her out to some people that she didn’t know very well. I have actually maintained having my daughter more than 50% of the time, even with my hectic work schedule and long commute. In March of 2012, I filed for full custody. This wasn’t the first time, but my daughter’s mom was unfit, and unfortunately, the courts didn’t see it that way on my previous attempts, although I furnished them with video, pictures, conversations, and written statements from her own friends and relatives on how she does drugs, has sex, leaves her kids alone, pictures and videos of butcher knives sitting all over the place, etc… That behooves me how I didn’t get full custody. I ended up getting full custody in March of 2012 on LESS evidence than I had before. The court would never order her to take a drug test until I hired an attorney and the attorney requested it. Believe me, although it was the drug test that won me custody, there were many other things that could have caused me to win. Well, just this past July (July 25th), I was exchanging her (she was now able to have her on weekends after previously only getting supervised visitation through an agency for 1 hour/week), and I was served with temporary full custody orders giving her mom custody until we went through the court process. After a couple of trips to court and 2 months later, they gave me back full custody. My daughters mother is lucky she didn’t get arrested for perjury (again). Anyways, now the mother is blasting me with angry texts (though when she had her short stent of court “victories” and told me not to send her angry texts, which I didn’t). HERE’S THE POINT. She sent me a text saying she visited our daughter at school yesterday, and she told her that I was trying to take her away from her and keep her away, and that I was just trying to hurt them and use her to hurt her because I’m angry. YES, SHE ACTUALLY SENT ME A TEXT SAYING SHE TOLD THIS TO MY DAUGHTER. I had to explain to my daughter (9 y/o) that she knows this isn’t true, and that I have been letting her go to her moms for the weekends, and gave her free range to pick her up from school/Boys & Girls club. I had to end that now though. I even let her keep her an extra day every week being that I moved from Sacramento to Modesto so that I didn’t change my daughter routine AGAIN, being her mom took her from the school in Sacramento and she started school in Modesto. I needed the extra day to get adjusted and secure my new place to live, find work, etc…The court order clearly states that my daughters mom, nor I, was allowed to say what she said to our daughter. What should I do about that? She had/(has?) our daughter all emotional and upset at me, and I have to keep giving her pep talks while I’m taking her to school, assuring her that nothing is changing, and that she will see her mom 2 or 3 days out of the week, but if I report this to the court, she will get supervised visitation again, making what she told our daughter, essentially true. If I DON’T change the orders, she will continue to try to tell our daughter these lies. She also tells our daughter to lie to me and not tell me certain things, because if she does, “I will take her away from her”. What should I do?